“The only time I like traffic lights turning yellow or red is in the fall.”

“Drive, guy. That green light isn’t going to get a deeper green. It’ll only ripen and turn yellow.”

“The owner of The Mandrake Hotel and Resort is a man called Rot, a billionaire like Bill Gates, only nerdier. 
Rot Kugelschreiber isn’t the name he was born with. No, the name on his birth certificate is Dark Jar Tin Zoo. He chose that penname because in German it means Red Pen—and a Red Pen is mightier than a Red Sword, which in turn is mightier than a Rothschild. 
Most of the time he goes by Rot, but occasionally he reverts back to Dark Jar Tin Zoo.”

“I want a white car that turns red when I’m embarrassed.”

“I’m only 33% patriotic, because I don’t bleed red, white, and blue. I only bleed red. But I pee white and my balls are blue, so doesn’t that count for something?”

“I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.”

“I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater, because I’m only half-finished knitting it.”