“The perfect vehicle to take to the moon would be a two-door Saturn with a sunroof.”

“Question for your life: Would you rather be the first female U.S. President, the first woman to walk on the moon, or the first woman to be courted by two clones who looked like Christian Bale?”

“A brick could be used as a doorstop. But that’s obvious. What isn’t obvious is why somebody would want to stop a door, since doors represent openness. What is that person hiding behind that door that they want to stop people from opening it up? I don’t know, but it’s got to be diabolical, and if anything is to be stopped, it’s not the door—it’s the evil plan by the Door Master to take over the world.
”

“I carry a door with me wherever I go, because one, it’s symbolic for the opportunities that’ll open up for me, and two, I want to be the best door-to-door salesman who sells doors, so I carry a sample with me everywhere.”

“Love has a certain weightlessness to it, much as my meaty penis would on the moon.”

“I want to be the Everyman and take an IQ test and get a perfect 100.”

“To show you how much I love you, I’d take you to the moon and back. Or try to fake it in a film studio.”