“The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.”

“Making money for my clones, now that’s what I call self-enrichment. Having all my clones working for me, working for free, and enriching me, now that’s what I call social progress. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“I called the police to report my missing mustache, but they didn’t take me seriously. I’ll bet if I had a mustache, they’d take me seriously. #catch22”

“It was a blustery winter night, back in the summer of 2009. That’s when we met, and that’s when I knew it was love, two years before.”

“I wrote a zen koan once about love, but it didn’t make any sense. That’s how I knew I had accurately described love.”

“My left hand is my bad hand. I spank it with my right hand. You might call it clapping, but I call it discipline.”

“I’m tired of calling @PapaJohns. I wish they’d call me for once. I’m starting to think they don’t love me.”