“The president spends most of his time playing golf and vacationing. But the times he’s away from the office are the times he’s most valuable to our country.”

“If you only had 48 hours left to live, would you spend it like you normally spend your weekends? If not, why spend 2/7th of your life wasting your free time? After all, free time isn’t free. Free time is the most expensive time you have, because nobody pays for it but you. But that also makes it the most valuable time you have, as you alone stand to reap the profits from spending it wisely.”

“Uncle Sam’s not related to me. He’s stuck his dick in the American Pie too many times to be welcome at my family picnics.”

“To me, the most confusing part about golf is that I don’t know whether I’d rather actually be playing golf, or sitting on the green composing haikus about the landscaping.”

“I like spending all my time making things with my hands. Mostly I make love to myself.”

“I just realized my lips are inside out. They should be turned inwards, because I spend most of my time talking to myself.”

“We’re distant cousins. He’s my first cousin, but he’s 5,000 miles away. And he doesn’t talk much.”