“The reason I make things so complicated is simple: Because I like being the uncimplicator.”

“The rocky terrain wasn’t the reason we were on uneven footing. She had no feet, and I was in love. We made love like Nickelback makes music—and I enjoyed it, but I wish the fans in the audience wouldn’t have screamed so loud.”

“I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.”

“A blanket really makes the bed. Good thing too, because I never make the bed.
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“It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of time.”

“I make art like I make love—slowly, so I get the most for my money.”

“I painted my walls yellow, with melted butter, because I recently discovered that I had a popcorn ceiling. It’s this kind of reasoning that leads me to think I might make a great politician. Vote for me because hey, I can’t be worse than the other guy.”