“To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.”

“After a shower, I like to let gravity and evaporation dry me off as I stretch out naked in the sun on my neighbor’s porch.”

“My love may be invisible, but that doesn’t mean you can’t taste it. (It tastes like a sonic boom, only not as bitter).”

“They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.”

“I only sing in the shower. I would join a choir, but I don’t think my bathtub can hold that many people.
”

“I am the leprechaun I rainbow into being. Buy me a beer, and get to know my inner midget.”

“Instead of selling other countries weapons, we should sell them candles. Maybe then instead of singing the praises of war, they’d start singing Happy Birthday. And I don’t know anybody, not even my bully of an uncle, Uncle Sam, who wants to start a fight during that song.”