“US highways are in such disrepair that instead of repaving, they should just mow the grass that’s sprung up and displaced the concrete.”

“I have a beard of grass. I grew it on my back, and sometimes my neighbor mows it for me. Meow!”

“My cat stood still like a furry statue. I wanted to go pet it, but I ended up petting a painting instead. Ah, but that’s life, no?”

“If you asked me to mow your lawn, I’d say sure—just as soon as you move your lawn directly above mine.”

“It’s hard to steal somebody’s shoes while they are wearing them and not have them notice. But that’s what politicians have done in this country. Not only that, but they replaced all our footwear with concrete boots.
”

“A brick could be used to motivate. Just hold it up as an example of something that’s going nowhere in life.

”

“Instead of putting a Band Aid on your cut finger, why not just amputate at the elbow? See, I’m a problem solver. I should go into politics.”