“When someone asks me if I was born in a barn, I always give them a long face. And a whinny.”

“When tragedy befalls me and someone says, "Better you than me," I always reply, "Yes, I am better than you.”

“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.”

“If I were facing a firing squad, I’d ask them to hold on just one second, because I have a wedgie and it is very uncomfortable. Let me adjust myself, and then you can shoot me.”

“When someone asks, Dogs or cats? I usually say, For what, dinner?”

“When someone is talking about their job, and they turn to me and ask me what I do, I stare off into space, let my eyes glaze over, and wistfully say, “I often wonder what I’m doing.”

“Give me 10 pins and a hardwood lane, and I’ll bowl. Just as long as that bowl is full of spaghetti. I’ll always be a champion, when I’m the only one in the competition.”