“Then I closed my eyes.That was it. That was Before. Now here we go into After.”

“It seemed like the only way to keep breathing was to focus on the here and now, moment by moment, keeping my mind frozen cold to anything else.”

“Now I lay facedown on the bed, sobbing for the womanwho once slept here not knowing that someday one of herworst fears would come true”

“Sometimes my life here felt like a cage where I could never escape the pain. At other times it felt like the only firm ground on earth”

“Holding the knife with the blade against my palm, it became so clear how my life would only contain shadows now. Shadows of things gone; not just the people themselves but everything connected to them. Was this my future? Every moment, every tiny thing I saw and did and touched, weighted by loss. Every space in this house andmy town and the world in general, empty in a way that could never be filled.”

“I quickly imagined that I could reach my hand into my chest, yank out that awful feeling, place it on an invisibl ecloud of air right in front of me, then push it away. Push it away”

“It was true. I wasn't good with liking someone. my instinct was total self-preservation: show no sign of weakness. This was my pathetic way of being shy.”