“Few things in life are certain, and one of them is that you can turn on the television at three in the morning and someone will be singing and dancing on the Indian channel. Proof of Nietzsche's theory of eternal recurrence.”

“You can not make someone love you. You can not be thin enough or white enough or famous enough. The choice is entirely the other person's. Then again, you might try hypnosis.”

“As you go through life, you learn many lessons. Unfortunately these lessons only apply to the specific instances in which you learned them. Therefore you can expect to make horrible mistakes no matter how long you live.”

“There are certain rules to be observed when writing about our parents. We can only describe them as transparent figures with golden haloes, smiling down at us from heaven, large flag billowing in the breeze optional, just before the end credits roll.”

“One of the advantages of having an imaginary boyfriend is that he exists only for you, therefore he can not be stolen. The disadvantage is that you can not introduce him to your friends.”

“My philosophy in gadgets is simple: Use them until they fall apart. Ignore new models as long as you can; they're a plot to separate you from your money.”

“Jealousy is like wasabe—a little can add excitement to your salmon sashimi but too much can make you cry and trigger facial contortions. I find it very flattering if someone is jealous of me. It is an affirmation that I am hot and spectacular. It is a confirmation of my value and importance. Yes, I am vain.”