“If she understood the difference between referring to me as "the gay guy" and using my name, the knowledge was lost between her vapid gaze and her single AAA-battery brain.”

“I even went to the source of all wisdom, I went and knelt at the great Queen of Drag’s feet and asked her how to find love.She backhanded me in between verses of Whitney Houston and told me if she knew, why in fuck would she be here ?”

“He came off so lost, which of course hit all my buttons because who doesn’t dream of finding an incredibly hot boy and fixing him? Straight guys may have cars and gadgets, but girls and gay boys, we like to fix broken boys.”

“I swore to myself I would never be that guy, the guy who loses his shit for the first pretty face he sees. And yet my shit was truly lost.”

“I mean honestly, who just sits around in a house with a bunch of short guys waiting for their prince to come? So your mom is a bitch and wants to kill you because her mirror told her to? Cry me a river why don't you? Your big plan is sitting around cleaning house waiting for the other shoe to drop? And speaking of shoes, everyone has been picked on by mean girls. You do not wait for some old lady to pop in and transmogrify some innocent rodents just so you can sneak in to a dance under false pretenses. And let's say you do sneak in. For the love of all that is holy take your mask off and look the guy in the face and say. “Hi, I'm Cindy from down the street, I have this thing at midnight. Can we do coffee later?” This nonsense with a shoe and searching the entire village for one girl, it's crap.”

“I am single for the same reason that Patty Hearst stays out of banks.”

“Lust is a lot like a slow brained dog. It slobbers a lot and jumps up on people at the most inopportune time.”