“It's like hunting cows”

“It's great having Bruce Springsteen on my show. We have so much in common! We're both from New Jersey, just from different neighborhoods. Sort of like how Martin Luther King and Margaret Mitchell both came from Atlanta. But from different neighborhoods.”

“It's not that the Democrats are playing checkers and the Republicans are playing chess. It's that the Republicans are playing chess and the Democrats are in the nurse's office because once again they glued their balls to their thighs.”

“Religion. It's given people hope in a world torn apart by religion.”

“You wonder sometimes how our government puts on its pants in the morning.”

“I thinking gay and straight people use the same putters, it's not a matter of putters but a matter of hole selection.”

“Being a superpower is like being a Santa Claus that everyone hates.”