“Note to self: It's hard to attain a state of no-mind when you're incredibly pumped up on tea and sugar and have to urinate every three and a half minutes.”

“A typical weeknight when he was home like this:1. Sit down and try to do homework.2. Get interrupted by Jeffrey: “Please play with me!”3. Ignore brother, try to do homework.4. Get interrupted by Jeffrey: “Come ON, Steven! I’m BORED!”5. Beg Jeffrey for five minutes of peace.6. Get begged for five minutes of play: “Steven, you never, ever play with me—ever!”7. Move entire homework operations center to different room.8. Repeat steps #1-7 as directed by small drugged maniac.”

“Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I'm a cancer survivor.Person #1: And how's that working out for you?Me: Well, you see, I, uh, used to have leukemia.Person #2: Dude, how come you're not, like, BALD?Me: Well, you see, I, uh, I had acute lymphocytic lymphoma when I was five.Person #3: Whoa. THAT must'a sucked. I once had my tonsils out...”

“It was like seeing Bill Gates at age thirteen, times two. And half of him was wearing a cheerleader uniform. Yes, I know that’s a weird image.”

“He said he "admired our courage" but didn't want to see us do anything to "damage our promising futures." He felt "proud as an American" that we had "exercised our right to peaceful free expression." But if we did it again, he didn't "know what action the state board of education might take against individual students."Translation: You've had your fun. Now sit down, shut up, and take the freakin' test. Or else.”

“Tattitude: Wow, Jeff, who's the babe?Dangerous_pie: Your mom.Tattitude: No, the one three feet away from you.Dangerous_pie: Oh, that's Lindsey Abraham. I had her flown in from California for my personal amusement. You can look at her if you want, though.Tattitude: Sweet. But have you talked to her yet?Dangerous_pie: Uh-huh. We're really close.Tattitude: Intro me?Dangerous_pie: After class.Tattitude: Duh.Just then, I noticed that a large shadow had fallen over my screen. I couldn't even bear to look up as Mr. Laurenzano said, "Thaddeus Ibsen, Lindsey Abraham. Lindsey, Thaddeus. There, you've been introduced. NOW can I teach some science?"Wow, it looked like this was going to be my year for unusual teachers.”

“...my little blurb wasn't going to win me any speaker-of-the-year awards, but at least I hadn't tripped and fallen off the stage, crushing and killing three elderly jazz fans.”