“My Anorexic Ex was so skinny she didn't give head, she gave skull”

“I married Miss Right, but didn't know at the time she had shortened her name from Righteouspainintheass”

“When she says 'I've never done this before" she just means with you”

“If she can do the splits, the 5 second rule does not apply”

“I wanted to marry the first girl that I fell in love with, but there were religious differences. I was an agnostic and she was a Polycarbonate”

“Give a man a fish and you will feed him for a day, give him some horns and he can be a Circus Seal act”

“it can't be wrong, if it feels so wrong”