“Did you know that ninety-eight percent of statistics are made up on the spot?”

“Pass me the Academy Award. I don’t know how I did it, but hysterical-girl tears sprung from my eyes as I ran out of the room and down the grand staircase.”

“And you pretend to be stupid, which is completely disingenuous. Big word, but I know you know what it means.”

“You know where you can shove your joke. Just get me a new drink and try not to include and of your STD-laced body fluid in it this time.”

“Humidity did terrible things to me. I‘d be much prettier if I lived in the desert.”

“Yellow police tape stretched across the motel room door. I stood beside it, waiting for Mr. Stick-Up-His-Butt to finish up in the office.”

“Perry would disown me for wearing a Yankees sweatshirt, but he would never know, and I was too cold to care about team loyalty.”