“Sometimes I wonder whether the world is being run by smart people who are putting us on or by imbeciles who really mean it.”

“An intelligence test sometimes shows a man how smart he would have been not to have taken it.”

“Equal opportunity means everyone will have a fair chance at being incompetent.”

“Humility is the embarrassment you feel when you tell people how wonderful you are.”

“There are two kinds of failures: those who thought and never did, and those who did and never thought”

“The man who is always waving the flag usually waives what it stands for.”

“A pessimist is a man who looks both ways when he crosses the street.”