“We have reason to believe that man first walked upright to free his hands for masturbation.”

“Man invented language to satisfy his deep need to complain.”

“Instead of working for the survival of the fittest, we should be working for the survival of the wittiest - then we can all die laughing.”

“Why is it that when we talk to God we’re said to be praying, but when God talks to us we’re schizophrenic?”

“Ninety-eight percent of the adults in this country are decent, hard-working, honest Americans. It's the other lousy two percent that get all the publicity. But then--we elected them. ”

“I always wanted to be something, but now I see I should have been more specific.”

“I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific.”