“There's nothing wrong with giving up all your principles for a suitable financial reward. It is indeed the basis of our society.”

“I wrote long reviews of all four books if you want to take a look.”

“Shall I compare thee to a summer's day?E'en in Australia art thou still more hotRough winds do shake the darling buds of May(Since that's your winter it don't mean a lot)Sometimes too bright the eye of heaven shinesAnd bushfires start through half of New South WalesJust so, when I do see thy bosom's linesA fire consumes me and my breathing failsBut thine eternal summer shall not fadeThis is in no way due to global warming;Nay, from thy breasts shall verses fair be madeSo damn compulsive they are habit-formingSo long as men can read and eyes can seeSo long lives this, thou 34DD(Based on an idea by William Shakespeare. I'm sure he'd agree that I've improved it)”

“Well, my suggestion could have been ironic.”

“I believe in the theory that you should invert the genders in Proust - to me, it makes more sense like that, given that he was gay himself. . . . I promise you, it is a very common way to read the books, and has been much discussed. . . . You see how common it is? . . . it's pretty mainstream.”

“I know this is my signature move, but it really does read much better in the original.”

“Reality Television is the 'Howard Stern-ation' of all that is bad with our media today”