“I flunked out of mime school. I could never hear what the instructor was saying!!!”

“They kept yelling at me to pay attention during school, since education hasn't panned out for me can I get a refund, or at least a rebate?”

“They started the meeting out by saying, "Everybody please take your seats"I was halfway back to my cubicle with mine before they stopped me...”

“I never completely understood the phrase, "I took my medicine religiously", unless of course it was a religion I was unfamiliar with!!”

“Pharmacy drive-up window:"Could I have your address?""Well, you could, but that would be one hell of a coincidence!!”

“When I was little and my mom got mad at me she would always say, "You know you can be replaced".I have often wondered if I was.”

“I think what I need to do is stay awake while I'm sleeping so I can see what I'm dreaming better!!”