“I didn't get fired.""You didn't punch your boss and get fired from the Tribune? That's what I heard.""I punched what could loosely be called a colleague for cribbing my notes on a story and since the editor–who happened to be the asshole's uncle–took his word over mine, I quit.""To write books. Is it fun?""I guess it is.""I bet you killed the asshole in the first one you wrote.""You'd be right. Beat him to death with a shovel. Very satisfying.”

“What did you write on here? ‘Don’t die’?”“No, I wrote, ‘Don’t be an asshole!’”I headed for the house.“On yours or mine?”“On yours.”“Well, in that case, your magic isn’t working. I’m still an asshole.”

“Do you know why I freaked out? Because I realized I'd fallen in love with my best friend. The very same person who had just told me she didn't love me. Call me an asshole for overreacting but that's what happened. You're not the only one who is hurting here, Perry. At least I didn't do it deliberately.”

“I don't want to have 'carnal knowledge' with any old Zuni, asshole." From the way she seemed to relish the word asshole as it unwound from her lips, I guessed that she rarely used it. It sounded like a mark of esteem, and I was momentarily very jealous of Arthur. I wondered what it might take to get Jane to call me an asshole too.”

“What's the truth? The truth is what happened to you and him or her, over the years, and what didn't happen. The truth is what you said and didn't say, how much you tried, how you changed, and whether you were lucky. I believe in luck. I think luck plays a huge part in success. Or failure. In the end, who cares about the truth? You still end up divorced. Finally, the biggest asshole wins. Sort of. At least the biggest asshole takes home the must stuff. If you consider this winning then have at it. You're an asshole.”

“Honey, I know you like to take a drink, and that's all right, but be forewarned that I ain't your maid and I ain't your punching-bag, and if you ever raise your hand to me you'd best kill me. Because otherwise I'll wait till you're asleep; sew you into the bed; and beat you to death with a frying pan.”