“You've gotsome 'Star-Spangled' nailsin your coffin, kid.That's whatthey've done for you, son.”

“Pervy and redundant, don't you think?" I asked the big gay cop, who wouldn't know a va-jay-jay if it bounced up to him and sang the "Star-Spangled Banner." (You ever notice that hardly anything besides the "Star-Spangled Banner" is spangled? There's no, like, the Raisin-Spangled Scone, or the Flea-Spangled Beagle. I'm just saying.)--Being the Journal of Abby Normal”

“One minute you've got a lucky star watching over you and the next instant it's done a bunk.”

“If you show someone something you've written, you give them a sharpened stake, lie down in your coffin, and say, ‘When you’re ready’.”

“Turns out rolling your eyes in a bar when ‘Land Down Under’ plays is like someone belching during the Star Spangled Banner in America.”

“You know, I've kinda been freaking out over being a father, but then I read in a men's magazine somewhere that as long as you can keep your son off the pipe and your daughter off the pole, that you've done a good job.”