“If Jesus was a bartender, He would still only be half as cool as Carlos.”

“If Jesus, Jesse James, and a herd of pink robot unicorns strolled in walking on water, this bunch wouldn't even look up.”

“If his drunkenness had legs, it would be Alexander the Great and conquer the known world. Then it would puke for a week into a solid gold toilet it stole from Zeus's guest room.”

“The place looks like where David Lynch would meet Beaver Cleaver's mom for secret afternoons of bondage and milkshakes.”

“If I learned anything Downtown, it's this: the only real difference between an enemy and a friend is the day of the week.”

“Memories are bullets. Some whiz by and only spook you. Others tear you open and leave you in pieces.”

“If Donald Trump and the Wicked Witch of the West had a kid, it would be Jayne-Anne. She looks like a librarian with some money and good taste in clothes but underneath the Verace, she's Godzilla with tits.”