“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

“Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.”

“In Hollywood a marriage is a success if it outlasts milk.”

“A good place to meet a man is at the dry cleaner. These men usually have jobs and bathe.”

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”

“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire?”

“My husband and I are either going to buy a dog or have a child. We can't decide whether to ruin our carpets or ruin our lives.”