“Some women hold up dresses that are so ugly and they always say the same thing: 'This looks much better on.' on what? On fire?”

“I read recipes the same way I read science fiction. I get to the end and say to myself "well, that's not going to happen”

“Men forget everything; women remember everything. That's why men need instant replay in sports. They've already forgotten what's happened.”

“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That's how rich I want to be.”

“Men who have a pierced ear are better prepared for marriage - they've experienced pain and bought jewelry.”

“When I met Mr. Right I had no idea that his first name was Always”

“Some people think having large breasts makes a woman stupid. Actually, it's quite the opposite: a woman having large breasts makes men stupid.”