“it's back to school time. or as home-schoolers call it, stay-where-you-are time.”

“The summer movies are coming out. My advice: just stay home and burn a good book.”

“‎You cannot correct an old person every time they say something offensive. You would never make it through Thanksgiving dinner!”

“Do you know what I like about comedy? You can’t laugh and be afraid at the same time—of anything. If you're laughing, I defy you to be afraid.”

“I teach Sunday school, motherf*****.”

“It's August, which means Congress is on recess and Mitch McConnell has shimmied back into the ocean to seek a mate.”

“brb, ttyl ok? wow, i saved a 'ton' of time with those acronyms.”