“Nothing to me feels as good as laughing incredibly hard.”

“I enjoy having breakfast in bed. I like waking up to the smell of bacon, sue me. And since I don’t have a butler, I have to do it myself. So, most nights before I go to bed, I will lay six strips of bacon out on my George Foreman grill. Then I go to sleep. When I wake up, I plug in the grill. I go back to sleep again. Then I wake up to the smell of crackling bacon. It is delicious, it’s good for me, it’s the perfect way to start the day.”

“That is a perfectly good mini Christmas tree. We are going to sell that to charity because that is what Christmas is all about.”

“I have no idea where my pathetic nature comes from. If I thought about it too long, it would depress me.”

“Everyone said to Vincent van Gogh, "You can't be a great painter, you only have one ear." And you know what he said? "I can't hear you.”

“Joan Baxter (Lauren Graham): “You want to build a boat?”Evan Baxter: “It might be something fun for the family. Go sailing on the lake. I don’t know. [looking at his feet, under his breath] Be great in case it floods or something…”

“I'm an early bird and I'm an owl. So I'm wise and I have worms.”