“I intend to live forever. So far, so good.”

“You know when you're sitting on a chair and you lean back so you're just on two legs and you lean too far so you almost fall over but at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the time...”

“I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”

“I bought some batteries, but they weren’t included. So I had to buy them again.”

“I watched the Indy 500, and I was thinking that if they left earlier theywouldn't have to go so fast.”

“I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another dimension.”

“I went to a restaurant that serves "breakfast at any time" so I ordered French toast during the Renaissance.”