“I went for a walk last night and she asked me how long I was going to be gone. I said, 'The whole time.”

“I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, 'Where’s the self-help section?' She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.”

“The other day I went to a tourist information booth and asked, 'Tell me about some of the people who were here last year.”

“I stayed in a really old hotel last night. They sent me a wakeup letter.”

“Last night somebody broke into my apartment and replaced everything with exact duplicates... When I pointed it out to my roommate, he said, "Do I know you?”

“When I was crossing the border into Canada, they asked if I had any firearms with me. I said, "Well, what do you need?”

“I was in a grocery store. I saw a sign that said 'pet supplies.' So I did. Then I went outside and saw a sign that said, 'Compact cars.”