“What about you, Ian? Why don't you come too? Can't. I'm Jewish. You are not Jewish! You're Italian. I was thinking of converting.”

“I am officially Jewish, but I’m Jewish in the same way the Olive Garden is an Italian restaurant.”

“Even if you are Catholic, if you live in New York you're Jewish. If you live in Butte, Montana, you are going to be goyish even if you are Jewish.”

“Son, you can't go around painting yourself black, you hear?" "Why not, Papa?" "Because they'll take you away." "Why?" "Because you shouldn't want to be like black people or Jewish people or anyone who is...not us." "Who are Jewish people?" "You know my oldest customer, Mr. Kaufmann? Where we bought your shoes?" "Yes." "Well, he's Jewish." "I didn't know that. Do you have to pay to be Jewish? Do you need a license?" ..... "...you've got beautiful blond hair and big safe blue eyes. You should be happy with that; is that clear?”

“If you live in New York, even if you're Catholic, you're Jewish”

“But non of this matters, because you're not going to listen to your token black Jewish bi friend, are you?”