“This isn’t exactly a conversation two guys have over coffee. ‘Hey, dude, how well does your wife shave your balls?”

“Ironic, isn’t it?” Shawn said.“It’s not ironic at all,” Gus said.“Dude, it’s so like a black fly in your chardonnay.”“How many times do I have to tell you that’s not ironic, either?”“Rain on your wedding day?”“‘Irony’ is the use of words to convey a meaning that’s opposite to their literal meaning,” Gus said. “That stupid song came out fourteen years ago, and we still have this exact conversation at least once a week.”“Yeah,” Shawn said. “Ironic, isn’t it?”

“-Hey, neighbor, is your wife free for a date today?
-No, I’m taking her out this afternoon?
-Great! Then you won’t mind if I come over and mow your lawn. Sucker!”

“At least you're learning a thing or two about wine. Good to hear you're making such an effort to improve yourself.""Does the U.S. attorney know how much you like spending your Saturday nights eavesdropping on private conversations?" Nick asked."The U.S. attorney knows exactly how I like spending my Saturday nights.”

“If I was your wife, I would poison your coffee.""Madam, if I was your husband, I would drink it!”

“If you’re gonna have your head split open, it might as well be while you’re riding a wave, dude.”