“It is funnier to bend things than to break them.”

“Just like my Uncle Charlie used to say, just before he sprung the trap: He said, "You can't cheat and honest man! Never give a sucker an even break or smarten up a chump!”

“What contemptible scoundrel stole the cork from my lunch?”

“I always keep some whiskey handy in case I see a snake...which I also keep handy.”

“I like children. If they're properly cooked.”

“Take me down to the bar! We'll drink breakfast together!”

“Was I in here last night and did I spend a $20 bill?Oh, thank goodness... I thought I'd lost it.”