“It is impossible to travel faster than light, and certainly not desirable, as one’s hat keeps blowing off.”

“It's very hard to keep your spirits up. You've got to keep selling yourself a bill of goods, and some people are better at lying to themselves than others. If you face reality too much, it kills you.... you've got to find an answer to the question: Why go on?”

“I think crime pays. The hours are good, you travel a lot”

“What advice would I give the average homeowner to protect himself against burglars? Well, the first thing is to keep a light on in the house when you go out. It must be at least a sixty-watt bulb; anything less and the burglar will ransack the house, out of contempt for the wattage.”

“The curtain rises on a vast primitive wasteland, not unlike certain parts of New jersey.”

“You're so good looking I can barely keep my eyes on the meter.”

“Ads answered out of desperation in the New York Review of Books proved equally futile as…the 'Bay Area Bisexual' told me I didn't quite coincide with either of her desires.”