Darynda Jones

“She shook her head then took off again, and I found myself struggling to keep up with her in my bunny slippers. With a sigh, I realized I was getting way too much exercise. I'd just have to counteract it later with cake.”

“I sort of got off on making bad guys sweat. Which was not unlike my love of making good guys sweat, just by very different means.”

“Yeah, but what happens if life hands me pickles? - Bumper sticker”

“Still, this whole grim reaper thing should have come with a manual. Or a diagram of some kind. A flowchart would have been nice.”

“I'd never taken to four foot creatures who had the uncanny ability to point out all my flaws in thirty second flat. And just for the record, I can too read without moving my lips.”

“Holy shit, are you positive?""As a pregnancy test a month after prom.”

“I strode toward Mr. Coffee with lust in my eyes. We'd had a thing for quite some time now Mr. Coffee and I...”

“If life hands you lemons,keep them. Because, hey, free lemons.-T-Shirt”

“There comes a moment when you know you just aren't going to do anything esle productive for the rest of the day.-T-Shirt”

“Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you're wrong. -T-Shirt”

“The police never find it as funny as you do.-T-Shirt”

“Make it quick," I said when I picked up. "Okay. Two men from the FBI are here." Cookie said. Quickly. Crap. "Men in black are at the office?""Well, yes, but they're actually in more of a navy."Crapola. I so don't have time for men. In any color. "Okay, two questions. Do they look mad, and are they hot?"After a long, long, pause, Cookie said, "One, not really. Two, no comment at this time. And three, you're on speakerphone."After another long, long pause, I said, "Okie dokie then. Be there in a jiff.”

“After a long, labored sigh, I said, “She was really happy when I got there. I’m pretty sure she was suicidal when I left.”“You do have that effect on people.”

“If at first you don’t succeed, skydiving is NOT for you. (BUMPER STICKER)”

“You hit me again," I said, growing oddly annoyed."Ya think?" Evil Riggs said. Smart-ass."Part of my brain hurts. I demand to know what that part of my brain is called and what its job is.”

“Sorry. i just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.”

“Cookie dropped her purse and tried to catch it midair. In the process, she knocked over a vase. When she lunged for the vase, she slipped on the tile and overturned an entire table. A lovely handblown piece of glass flew in my direction, and all I could think as I caught it was, Really? Again? We were going to have to practice muscle control.”

“I WAS AN ATHEIST UNTIL I REALIZED I WAS GOD. —BUMPER STICKER”

“NEVER BE AFRAID TO DART AROUND IN PUBLIC, HUMMING THE MISSION: IMPOSSIBLE THEME SONG. —T-SHIRT”

“IF IT HAS TIRES OR TESTICLES, IT’S GONNA GIVE YOU TROUBLE. —BUMPER STICKER”

“WITH GREAT BREASTS COMES GREAT RESPONSIBILITY. —T-SHIRT”

“I’m Charlotte Davidson: private investigator, police consultant, all -around badass. Or I could’ve been a badass, had I stuck with those lessons in mixed martial arts. I was only in that class to learn how to kill people with paper.”

“This is one Fruit Loop beyond certifiable.”

“I do not," I felt oddly appalled by her statement. "I'm an excellent liar. Ask my dentist. He swears I floss regularly.”

“God I loved Sammy. I’d considered marrying him, but his wife got upset when I asked for his hand.”

“He’d actually hit me! It didn’t matter that hitting me wasn’t really like hitting a regular girl and I’d be completely healed in a matter of hours. I was still a freaking girl, and he damned well knew it. I’d just have to hit him back. With a lead pipe. Or an eighteen-wheeler.”

“He had threatened my parents. I had to remember that. Still, it was really hard to stay mad at a wounded naked man.”

“Ask me about my complete lack of interest. (T-shirt)”

“Lead me not into temptation. I can find it myself. (T-Shirt)”

“You totally need to watch the news.""Can't.""Why?""It's too depressing.""Right, because hanging with dead people isn't.”

“I totally take back all those times I didn't want to nap when I was younger. - T-SHIRT”

“I know karate, and like two other Japanese words - T-SHIRT”

“Before I tell you, I have to know three things," I said."Okay.""One, are you sitting down?""Yes.""Two, are you mentally stable?""More than you'll ever be."Well, that was uncalled for. "And three, how do you spell schizophrenia?""What does that have to do with anything?""Nothing. I just wanted to see if you'd tell me.”

“I hardly loathe myself. Have you seen my ass?”

“In a moment of sheer terror, I realized I couldn't feel my brain. It was there just a minute ago. Maybe I really was dead. "Do I look dead to you?”

“At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.”

“While I was busy reminiscing about my first day on earth, I had forgotten that I was falling to my death. Damned ADD.”

“Just in case, though, I stormed into my apartment, tossed a quick hello to Mr. Wong, then rummaged through my entertainment center to lay out all my exorcism equipment. I kept it in my entertainment center because exorcisms were nothing if not entertaining.”

“Where am I going and why am I in this handbasket? ~Bumper sticker~”

“There is nothing to fear but fear itself. And spiders. ~Bumper sticker~”

“I love language, words, and all the lovely, exciting, and heart wrenching things you can do with them. Pick the right ones, put them in the right order, and you’ve created a moment in time where the reader forgets about the late car payment, the dirty dishes, the impending workweek. You have created a state of bliss. Or negligence, depending on your perspective.”

“I had yet to be a mother, but I would have thought it difficult to forget something it took thirty-seven hours of excruciating pain to push out from between my legs ~Charley Davidson”

“I like to see the glass as half full, hopefully of jack daniels.”

“Apparently, this really was Kill Charley Davidson Week. Or at least Horribly Maim Her.... It would probably never get government recognition, though, destined to be underappreciated like Halloween or Thesaurus Day.”

“He said you sparkle like a newborn galaxy and have more attitude than a rich kid with his daddy's Porsche.”

“Cook, at that moment in time, I would have sold my body for a mocha latte”

“I could be irksome when I put my left ventricle into it.”

“The realization that Garrett actually had a mother kind of disturbed me. But only for about twelve seconds. I rarely held thoughts in my head any longer than twelve seconds. Damn my ADD.”

“I know what kind of man it takes to get involved with something as barbarous as human trafficking.”“I get it, Swopes. He’s not the kind of man you take home to meet yourstepmom.” I rethought that. “Wait a minute. Maybe my stepmom would like to meet him. Do you think he ships to Istanbul?”

“—Si te encuentran, tendré que exterminar tu fuerza vital para cerrar el portal.Me invadió una sensación de terror. —¿Y eso qué significa? Apretó los labios contra mi frente y cerró los ojos. —Significa que tendré que matarte.”