Derek Landy

“I try not to underestimate my opponents, no matter how ridiculous their beards.”

“We can do this the easy way,' Oblivious snarled. 'Or the hard way.''What's the easy way?''You leave immediately.''And what's the hard way?''We make you leave.'Skulduggery's head tilted. 'What was the easy way again?”

“So what does that actually mean?''To be honest, Ghastly, I haven't a bull's notion.''Elder Bespoke should be addressed by his full title,' Tipstaff said.'Of course,' Skulduggery said. 'To be honest, Your Highness, I haven't a bull's notion.”

“He crouched at the car window and looked in. 'What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one.' His finger jabbed the glass. 'That one's a bit ugly.”

“I'm sorry,' said the shopkeeper. 'I can't understand your ridiculous accent.''My accent?''It is quite silly.''So you can't understand me?''Not a word.''Then how did you understand that?''I didn't.' ''You didn't understand what I just said?''That's right.''You understood that, though.''Not at all.'The American glowered.”

“Oh, China. How I have missed you.''And I have missed you, Eliza. But don't worry, next time my aim will be better.”

“You make a good point,' Fletcher conceded. 'See, there's a reason why you're the girl and I'm the boy. You think about things while I...''Don't?''Exactly,' he said happily.”

“You should have called us. Desmond would have picked you up.''No I wouldn't,' Valkyrie's dad said, stepping into earshot. 'Sorry, Fletcher, but I had important fatherly duties to take care of, which included eating breakfast, showering, and finding my trousers. Of those three, I only managed two. Without looking down, can you guess which one I missed?'... Fletcher smiled back. 'I just want to borrow Stephanie for a moment.''Take our daughter,' Valkryie's dad said, waving a hand airily. 'We have another one now.”

“You accused me of murder. Do you make a habit of bringing schoolgirls into an interview room with murder suspects?' He waved his hand. 'Oh, I was only joking about that. I don't really think you murdered someone. Unless you did, in which case I reserve the right to say I knew it all along.”

“We're not robbing him," Skulduggery said." But I'm afraid I have some bad news.""Is it Deacon?" Francine asked, her eyes wide."It is.""Is he sick?""It's a little worse than that."She gasped. "He's dying?""He was briefly dying," said Skulduggery. "Now he's dead.”

“What would killing the Elders result in?" "Panic? Fear? Three empty parking spaces in the Sanctuary?”

“I cannot have chaos erupting around me until I am prepared for it. I am a collector. I am an observer. I don't participate. My resources, and my standing, must be secure before I can allow the uncertainty of war to crash down upon us.”

“I used to be so good at that kind of thing," Skulduggery said quietly."Well, my morale is certainly boosted," Valkyrie informed him."Really?""god no. That was terrible”

“The Torment turned his head to him, and frowned. "Who are you?""I'm... sorry? It's me, it's Vaurien. Vaurien Scapegrace. I... built the cellar for you?""Oh," the Torment said. "You. Why are you back? I thought you were dead. It would have been nice if you were dead”

“They might be kittens," she said hopefully."They're stalking us.""They might be shy.""I don't think it's kittens, Valkyrie.""Puppies, then?”

“We're here on Sanctuary business," Skulduggery tried.The man on Deadfall's right bristled, and Deadfall grinned. "Hear that, Pete? They're with that Sanctuary."Hokum Pete snarled. "I hate the Sanctuary.""Oh," Skulduggery said."We all hate the Sanctuary.""Ah. Then we're not here on Sanctuary business. I was just joking.”

“You've been reading Gordan's book again, haven't you?""It's a white-knuckle roller-coaster ride," she mumbled.”

“Where are you going?""Nowhere special. I just have some... things to do.""Why did you pause?'"I'm sorry?""You paused. You have 'some... things to do.'"No reason, I just--""You're up to something.""No--""Then why'd you pause?""Get in the car."She got in. He got in."Seat belt," he said.Why'd you pause?"His head drooped. "Because I'm up to somthing.""And why can't I come with you?""Because it's something sneaky.""Do you promise to tell me later?""I do.""Well all right then." She clicked her seat belt into place. "Let's go.”

“She glared at him. “I'm not weird like that. I'm good weird. I'm cool weird.” “Yes,” he said doubtfully. “Yes, you are.”

“An untied shoelace can be dangerous,' he said.'I could have tripped.'She stared at him. A moment dragged by.'I'm joking,' he said at last.She relaxed. 'Really?''Absolutely. I would never have tripped. I'm far too graceful.”

“Guild doesn't like me.""That's true.""He doesn't like you, ether.""That is mystifying.”

“With his sunglasses gone and his scarf hanging down, there was no denying that he had no flesh, he had no skin, he had no eyes and he had no face. All he had was a skull for a head.”

“That was a good day for me," Skulduggery said. "I didn't have to hit anyone. I didn't have to shoot anyone. I just sat around and talked to my good friend and partner, Valkyrie Cain.”

“Fletcher was always going to be your ex-boyfriend, from the moment you met him. He's just finally caught up with where he's supposed to be.”

“Tanith has a sword.' said Valkyrie. 'I want a stick.''I'll get you a stick for Christmas”

“It would be fun,” Skulduggery nodded. ”I like kicking Wreath in the face. I haven't had a chance to do it nearly as much as I'd like.”

“He looked at her. “We’re meant to be together…”“And this is exactly what I mean.”“Our love is written in the stars.”“And there you go again.”“I love you.”“You bore me.”

“Only a heathen would bring a gun to a sword fight.' And only a moron would bring a sword to a gunfight.”

“I just want to let you know that I love you all. Even those of you that I don't like; that's you Beryl.”

“Desmond, don't poke the baby!'...'I'll get you next time-'Don't threaten the baby either!'...”

“skulduggery pleasant is the best book I've ever read and has enspired myself to become an author.”

“But if you can confront your inner demons—""I did confront my inner demon. I punched him in the face and he exploded."Valkyrie had to laugh. "But now he's back.""Of course he's back. He's resourceful. He is my inner demon, after all.”

“Clarabelle laughed like she'd just heard the funniest thing ever. "Of course you HOPE you won't die, Valkyrie! Who would HOPE to die? That's just SILLY! But you probably WILL die, that's what I'm saying. Don't you think so?”

“That's a shame. I'm sure somebody, somewhere, cares.”

“I'm sorry, I don't know what any of you want, or why guns and knives are being waved around, or why the girl has just been taken hostage, but everyone seems to be acting like having a TALKING SKELETON in the room is perfectly normal. And you, where are your eyes? How can you see? How come the only people with eyes in this room are me and her?”

“Then I reckon we got ourselves a good old-fashioned standoff."...Nobody moved, or said anything, for the next few moments."Old-fashioned standoffs are mighty borin”

“Well, for future reference, this is my serious face.”

“What the hell is so funny?""First of all," she said, her confidence growing, "they're not my MASTERS. I don't have a MASTER. Second, they don't need a battalion to take you down. And third -- and this is really the most important point -- whoever said I came alone?”

“Please forgive me," Pleasant said, then aimed the gun at the girl and pulled the trigger.”

“What is it with you women?" he yelled, kicking at the air. "You come into our lives, you take everythin'! Throughout the years you got little pieces of me, of my very SOUL, and NOW? Now you got my damn straight razor! How am I supposed to kill people? How am I supposed to even SHAVE?”

“Well, to put it delicately, she has the power to suck out people's brains.”

“It's a white-knuckle roller-coaster ride.”

“What is it?' Stephanie whispered.'That, my dear Valkyrie, is what we call a monster.'She looked at Skulduggery. 'You don't know what it is, do you?''I told you what it is, it's a horrible monster. Now shut up before it comes over here and eats us.”

“Are you kidding? I jumped off a building -- of course I'm hurt.”

“There’s no such thing as winning or losing. There is won and there is lost, there is victory and defeat. There are absolutes. Everything in between is still left to fight for. Serpine will have won only when there is no one left to stand against him. Until then, there is only the struggle, because tides do what tides do–they turn.”

“Can I just point something out?" Fletcher asked. "That is an awful plan. On a scale of one to ten - the Trojan War being a ten and General Custer verus all those Indians being a one - your plan is a zero. I don't think it is a plan at all. I think it's just a series of happenings that are, to be honest, unlikely to follow on from each other in the way in which everyone's probably hoping.""Do you have a better plan?" Valkyrie asked."Of course not. I'm a man of action, not thought."Valkyrie nodded. "You're definitely not a man of thought.""Why are you in charge anyway? What do you know about organising something like this?""I have faith," Tanith said."As do I," said Ghastly.Valkyrie smiled at them gratefully. "So you think the plan will work?""God, no," said Ghastly."Sorry, Val," said Tanith”

“tanith: have you called the police?fergus: they, uh, they said theyd call by this afternoon.tanith: tell them not to bother... im his doctor.beryl: what kind of doctor dresses in brown leather?tanith: the kind that looks good init”

“Gordon Edgley's sudden death came as a shock to everyone - not least himself. One moment he was in his study, seven words into the twenty-fifth sentence of the final chapter of his new book, And the Darkness Rained upon Them, and the next he was dead. A tragic loss, his mind echoed numbly as he slipped away.”

“The calm before the storm”

“Her parents wanted her to find her own way in life. That’s what they’d said countless times in the past. Of course, they’d been referring to school subjects and college applications and job prospects. Presumably, at no stage did they factor living skeletons and magic underworlds into their considerations. If they had, their advice would probably have been very different.”