Eoin Colfer

“I hear that you were on a date with Trouble Kelp. Are you two planning on building a bivouac any time soon?”

“Orion brightened. "I have an idea.""Yes?" said Foaly, daring to hope that a spark of Artemis remained."Why don't we look for some magic stones that can grant wishes? Or, if that doesn't work, you could search my naked body for some mysterious birthmark that means I am actually the prince of somewhere or other.”

“Are you saying that you people knew about these amorophobots all the time?""Of course we did. They attacked us in Iceland. Remember?""No. I was unconscious.”

“So, what did you get for me?"Angeline paused for a beat. "Jeans.""What?" croaked Artemis."And a T-shirt.”

“Me," Artemis blurted. "I'm the nut."Artemis could have sworn the squid winked at him before bringing the five-ton chunk of spacecraft swinging down toward the morsel of meat in its blue shell."I'm the nut!" Artemis shouted again, a little hysterically, it must be said.”

“If things go badly for me tonight, I want you to stay with Mr. Wynter; he will pay you a decent wage.”“Will he make me bathe?”“No, he will debate the matter with you until you decide to wash.”“Ah. One of those.”

“I have no time for babbling foolishness.”“Don’t be so hasty,” said Victor. “There’s always time for babbling.”

“Don’t feel bad; I regularly reduce people to unintelligible stammers.”

“So, Mr. Digence, home to visit the family?""That's right. My mother's folks are from Killarney.""Oh, really?""O'Reilly, actually. But what's a vowel between friends?""Very good. You should be on the stage.""It's funny you should mention that."The passport officer groaned. Ten more minutes and his shift would have been over. "I was being sarcastic, actually. . .""Because my friend, Mr. McGuire, and I are also doing a stint in the Christmas pantomime. It's Snow White. I'm Doc, and he's Dopey."The passport officer forced a smile. "Very good. Next."Mulch spoke for the entire line to hear. "Of course, Mr. McGuire there was born to play Dopey, if you catch my drift."Loafers lost it right there in the terminal. "You little freak!" he screamed. "I'll kill you! You'll be my next tattoo! You'll be my next tattoo!"Much tutted as Loafers disappeared beneath half a dozen security guards."Actors," he said. "Highly strung.”

“Is that how you're going to take me? Scare me into voluntarily coming aboard, then steal my Ice Cube?""It's always cubes with you," noted Foaly, somewhat randomly. "What's wrong with a nice sphere?”

“Caballine likes me to be masterful. She calls me her stallion.”

“I am not exuding anything," said Holly through gritted teeth.Orion tapped her shoulder. "I beg to differ. You're exuding right now, a wonderful aura. It's pastel blue with little dolphins.”

“In my experience, boys are predictable. As soon as they think of something, they do it. Girls are smarter—they plan ahead. They think about not getting caught.”

“gold is power-artemis fowl I liked the artemis fowl series because its about a boy genius”

“When the moment comes, will you take your chance to be a hero?”

“Meg and Belch only had eyes for each other. Not in the usual romantic sense.”

“Foaly twitched his tail contentedly. Genius. No point in being humble about it.”

“And it's amazing how much noise people ignoring each other can make.”

“Everything rests on the poisoned wine. If it were just the queen, I could force it down her gullet, but Declan Broekhart would run me through with that damned ceremonial sword, and if his wife's stares were daggers, he'd be dead already. ”

“No, mademoiselle, I would not like to see the children's menu. I have no doubt that the children's menu itself tastes better than the meals on it. I would like to order à la carte. Or don't you serve fish to minors?”

“Other men look up and down, left and right; but men like us are different. We are visionaries.”

“We're being lead by an idiot with a crayon.”

“this was business.”

“They have gone. And the tunnel is about to close. So, boys, I am looking for someone to blame.”

“how does she know it's the right room?' wondered Descant.Oh, I don't know; mabye it's the magical red glow coming from the doorway, or perhaps it's the deafening howl of the temporal winds.' said Mervall. Descant nodded.'You could be right, brother. And don't think I don't know sarcasm when I hear it.”

“Artemis simple-toon”

“Really, I'm trying to care, Artemis, really. But I thought it was all supposed to be over when the fat lady sings. Well, she's singing, but it doesn't appear to be over”

“That was horrible. Horrible. That poor little guy."Pex was unrepentant. "Yeah, well, he asked for it. Calling us ... all those things."But---buried alive! That's like in that horror movie. Y'know -- the one with all the horror."I think I saw that one. With all the words going up on the screen at the end?"Yeah, that was it. Tell you the truth, those words kinda ruined it for me.”

“The name's Bond. James Omar Bond.”

“A cloak of invisibility? This is a highly sensitive piece of field equipment. What does he think? Some warlock pulled it out of his armpit?”

“That's the last order I'll ever give you Captain. Don't you dare ignore it.”

“The only other scenario that could explain everything, up to and including your own bizarre apperance, is a convoluted conspiracy theory involving the Russian Mafia and a crack team of plastic surgeons.”

“Remember this? You gave it to me for ensuring your trigger finger got reattached to your hand. You said it would remind me of that spark of decency inside me. I'm trying to do something decent now, Captain.”

“(text message) CMDR ROOT. TRBLE BELOW. HAVN OVRRN BY GOBLINS. PLCE PLAZA SRROUNDED. CUDGEON + OPL KBOI BHND PLOT. NO WPONS OR CMMUNICATIONS. DNA CNONS CNTRLLED BY KBOI. I M TRPPED IN OP BTH. CNCL THNKS IM 2 BLM. IF ALIVE PLSE HLP. IF NOT, WRNG NMBR.”

“No, I don't think you understand just how stupid goblins are. Let me give you an example. One of the B'wa Kell generals, and this is their top fairy, was caught caught trying to pass off forged credit slips by signing his own name.”

“Sig Sauer. Nine millimetres. Thirteen in the magazine. Big bullets. One of these hits you and it could blow your head off; something even the magic can't fix. Other than that you should be all right, presuming you remembered to wear the regulation above-ground micro-fibre jumpsuit recently patented by me. Then again, being a Recon jock, you probably didn't.”

“Grab some caviar from the kitchen. You wouldn't believe the muck they feed us in Bartleby's for ten thousand a term.”

“(about Dr. Po) Just another quack spouting psychobabble.”

“Hit that back-stabber where it hurts, right in the ambition.”

“(to Foaly) Captain Short's life is in danger, so push the button before I climb that tower and push it with your face!”

“Stay back, human. You don't know what you're dealing with.”

“I'm right there with you, darlin'. Unless you step on a landmine, in which case I'm way back in the Operations Room.”

“My bugs don't have bugs.”

“Scientists are the enemies of tradition , and tradition own all the prisons. - Victor Vigny”

“Jon Spiro had not hired Pex and Chips for their debating sills. In the job interview, they had only been set one task. A hundred applicants were handed a walnut and asked to smash it however they could. Only two succeeded. Pex had shouted at the walnut for a few minutes, then flattened it between his giant palms. Chips had opted for a more controversial method. He placed the walnut on the table, grabbed is interviewer by the ponytail, and used the man's forehead to smash the nut. Both men were hired on the spot. They quickly established themselves as Arno Blunt's most reliable leiutenants for in-house work. They were not allowed outside Chicago, as this could involve map reading, something Pex and Chips were not very good at.”

“Earth,” he began, ignoring the impulse to open his notes folder and count the words. He knew this lecture by heart.“Our home. She feeds us, she shelters us. Her gravity prevents us from flying off into space and freezing, before thawing out again and being crisped by the sun, none of which really matters, as we would have long since asphyxiated.” Artemis paused for laughter and was surprised when it did not arrive. “That was a little joke. I read in a presentation manual that a joke often serves to break the ice. And I actually worked icebreaking into the joke, so there were layers to my humor.”

“If you're going to read five books, three should be issues and two for fun.”

“Artemis felt like he was six again and caught hacking the school computers trying to make the test questions harder”

“I'm the nut!”

“We get an apartment together, and after a whirlwind courtship you marry my sister and honeymoon in Vegas.”