Janet Evanovich

“Okay, take a deep breath, I told myself. Don't go all hormonal. Get the facts straight. Have a mental doughnut.”

“He's going to jail. He can't see. He can't hear. He can't take a leak that lasts under fifteen minutes. But he has an erection and all the other problems are small change. Next time around I'm coming back as a man. Priorities are clearly defined. Life is simple.”

“Maybe it's just not the right time for us to be married. I don't want to be a bounty hunter for the rest of my life, but I certainly don't want to be a housewife right now. And I really don't want to be married to someone who gives me ultimatums.And maybe Joe needs to examine what he wants from a wife. He was raised in a traditional Italian household with a stay-at-home mother and domineering father. If he wants a wife who will fit into that mold, I'm not for him. I might be a stay-at-home mother someday, but I'll always be trying to fly off the garage roof. That's just who I am.”

“I have bad car juju."-Stephanie Plum”

“...Don't you just hate a phony-looking stiff?" - Aunt Edna”

“When I was six years old I sprinkled sugar on my head, convinced myself it was pixie dust, wished myself invisible, and walked into the boys' bathroom at school.”

“Personally, I'm a lazy kind of guy, and leaving the door open on the mystical saves me work. I don't have to stress my brain trying to explain the unexplainable. It's magic. End of discussion.”

“I could use some help with an FTA.What's your problem?He's old, and I'll look like a loser if I shoot him.”

“Holy Crap,' Carolli said. 'You shot Jesus. That's gonna take a lot of Hail Marys.”

“Diesel is back," Ranger said.Yes. How did you know?"I woke uo with a migraine this morning," Ranger said.”

“Damn, I thought everyone carried a gun in New Jersey!!!”

“Sweetie, nothing that flies looks safe, including birds.”

“Have you eaten?' I asked Diesel.When?'Recently.'No.”

“I don't need handcuffs to enslave a woman." -Ranger to Stephanie”

“He [Ranger] peeled my [Stephanie] clothes off and wrangled me into bed. And then suddenly he was inside me. He once told me that time spent with him would ruin me for all other men. When he said it, I thought it was an outrageous threat. I no longer though it outrageous.”

“He [Ranger] stopped in front of my parents' house, and we both looked to the door. My mother and my grandmother were standing there, watching us."I'm not sure I feel comfortable about the way your grandma looks at me," Ranger said.[Stephanie] "She wants to see you naked.""I wish you hadn't told me that, babe.""Everyone I know wants to see you naked.""And you?""Never crossed my mind." I held my breath when I said it, and I hoped God wouldn't stike me down dead for lying.”

“[Ranger] "How's your mental health?" he asked. "I heard about Soder."[Stephanie] "I'm rattled.""I have a cure."Oh, boy.He put the truck in gear and headed for the exit. "I know what you're thinking," he said. "And that wasn't where I was going. I was going to suggest work.""I knew that."He looked over at me and grinned. "You want me bad."I did. God help me.”

“Thinking very often resembles napping, but the intent is different. --Stephanie Plum”

“I ran three miles, staggered into the lobby, and took the elevator back to my apartment. No point to overdoing this exercise junk. --Stephanie Plum”

“Morelli smiled. "It could have been Jenny Ragucci. That makes much more sense. I had good luck with sluts."I looked over at him.All in the past," Morelli said. "I'm a cupcake man now."Whoa, dude," Mooner said. "That's so, like, cosmic.”

“You fainted," I told Tank."I did not," Tank said. "That's a lie.”

“The elevator doors opened, and Ranger stepped out and spied Tank stretched out on the carpet."Fainted," I said.Ranger walked to Tank and stood hands on hips, staring down at him. "Tank doesn't faint. I've been in firefights with him. He's a rock.""Well, the rock fainted.”

“She'll be back," Ranger said. "But not tonight."[Stephanie] "How'd you get her to leave?""Told her I was gonna spend the next twelve hours ruining you for all other men, and so she might as well go home."I could feel the heat rush to my face.Ranger gave me the wolf smile. "I lied about it being tonight," he said.”

“I know what you're thinking," Grandma said into the silence. "Do I have anymore bullets in this here gun? Well, with all the confusion, what with being locked up in a refrigerator, I plumb forgot what was in here to start with. But being that this is a 45 magnum, the most powerful handgun in existence, and it could blow your head clean off, you just got to ask yourself one question. Do you feel lucky today? Well, do you, punk?"Christ," Spiro whispered. "She thinks she's f**king Clint Eastwood.”

“Ranger is an unusual name," she managed. "Is it a nickname?"It's a street name," Ranger said. "I was a Ranger in the army."I heard about them Rangers on TV," Grandma said. "I heard they get dogs pregnant."My father's mouth dropped open and a piece of ham fell out.My mother froze, her fork poised in midair.That's sort of a joke," I told Grandma. "Rangers don't get dogs pregnant in real life."I looked at Ranger for corroboration and got another smile.”

“Ranger locked eyes with me. "Please," he said.Tank and Hal were goggle-eyed. They weren't used to "please." I wasn't used to it either. But I liked it. Okay," I said. "Be careful. He's insane.”

“I'd spent a night with Ranger a while ago, and I knew what happened when he was encouraged. Ranger knew how to make a woman want him. Ranger was magic.”

“Babe," Ranger said. "You're looking a little strung out. Is there anything I should know?"I'm on a sugar withdrawal. I've given up desert and it's all I can think about." That had been true five minutes ago. Now that Ranger was standng in front of me I was thinking a cupcake wasn't what I actually needed.Maybe I can help you get your mind off doughnuts," Ranger said.My mouth dropped open, and I think some drool might have dribbled out.”

“If I gave you a pity position it wouldn't be in my office.”

“I don't have a lot of domestic instincts," Ranger said to me, his attention fixing on the unidentifiable glob in my hair, "but I have a real strong urge to take you home and hose you down."I went dry mouth. Connie bit into her lower lip, and Lula fanned herself with a file.”

“Mooner was walking around laying his hands on the cars, divining karma. "this is it", he said, standing by a small khaki-colored jeep."this car has protective qualities" You mean like a guardian angel?" I mean, like, it has seatbelts”

“If anything happened to you, I'd be so destroyed they'd have to strap me to a bed and feed me through a tube. After five or six years, I might be capable of taking care of Rex. In the interim, you should assign a guardian.”

“A woman's never too old to make an idiot of herself. It goes along with equality of the sexes and potty parity.”

“Truth is, I'm a good Catholic girl. The faith has always been elusive, but the guilt is intractable. ”

“The dancers finished thier set, and one immediately strolled over to our table and straddled Ranger.Want a private party?" she asked. Not tonight," Ranger said. He handed her a twenty, and she left.What about the cat-feeding theory?" I asked him.Out the window.”

“One of us should stop her," Ranger said to Morelli, his eyes fixed on me."Not going to be me," Morelli said. "Have you ever tried to stop her from doing something she wanted to do?""Haven't had much success at it," Ranger said.Morelli rocked on his heels. "One thing I've learned about Stephanie over the years, she's not good at taking orders.""Has authority issues," Ranger said."And if you piss her off, she'll get even. She ran me over with her father's Buick once and broke my leg."That got a small smile out of Ranger."Nice to see you boys bonding," I said.”

“That was close,"he said, helping himself to coffee.Yeah, you almost opened the door to Morelli."I wasn't talking about Morelli. I was talking about us."That too," I said.Ranger sliced a bagel and looked for the toaster.It's broken,"I told him.He truned the boiler on and slid the bagel into the oven.That's surprisingly domestic for a man of mystery," I said to him.He looked at me over the rim of his coffee mug. "I like things hot.”

“Give me the gun." Ranger said.I extracted the gun from my pants and handed it over.Ranger held the gun in the pulm of his hand and smiled. "It's warm," he said. He put the gun in the glove compartment and plugged the key into the ignition.Am I fired?"No. Any women who can heat up a gun like that is worth keeping around.”

“I'm sorry about your Porsche.""I can replace the Porsche. I can't replace you. You need to be more careful."I was just sitting in your car!"Babe, you're a magnet for disaster.”

“Men!" I said. "You all a bunch of chauvinist morons"Stephanie Plum - Ten Big Ones”

“Hey," Lula said to Ranger's man."You want to watch it? I just had my hair done. I don't need plaster in it. Next time just shoot a hole is this punk-ass loser, will you?”

“Stephanie Plum,"I almost never shoot anyone.”

“It was dark and raining, with bad visibility, but this was Jersey, and we don't slow down for anything.”

“You're scum, Morelli! You're scum!”

“Grandma Mazur stood two feet back from my mother. "I gotta get me a pair if those," she said, eyeballing my shorts. "I've still got pretty good legs, you know." She raised her skirt and looked down at her knees. "What do you think? You think I'd look good in them biker things?" Grandma Mazur had knees like doorknobs.”

“It's been almost a month since you found a body. I knew you were due."Carl Costanza - Seven Up”

“You know, sometimes you can be real scary. I don't what you were thinking back there when you took those shoes off, but all hair stood up on the back of my next."I had airport rage." Fuckin' A," Lula said.”

“You know what this is?" Lula said. "This here's plane rage."Plane rage isn't allowed. It got taken off the allowed activities list along with eating. If you make a scene they'll hual you off in leg irons." Stephanie said.I'm tired of being stapped in here, too," Lula said. "This seat belt's too tight and it's giving me gas."Anything else?"There's no movie.”

“As long as he has a house with two bathrooms. I swear to God, I don't care if he's Jack the Ripper.”

“Maybe next time we just open the door and start out with some bitch slapping.”