Janet Evanovich

“It's fucking hard to be classy”

“I need mood music. I gotta get myself ready to kick butt."Lula - High Five”

“Looks like you're on a roll. This is the second car you've toasted this week."Carl Costanza - Hot Six”

“Get me a gun. If I don't go into labor soon, I'm going to shoot myself. And pass the gravy. Pass it now."Valerie - To the Nines”

“About that proposal, cupcake..."Morelli”

“Saved by the grandma"Ranger”

“If she wasn't your grandmother I'd shoot her."Ranger”

“Nice tackle, babe."Ranger”

“You're probably gonna find this hard to believe, but I was sort of weird when I was a kid."Salvatore "Sally" Sweet”

“Some men go a lifetime and never have their kid blow up a car, but I have a daughter who's knocked off three cars and burned down a funeral home. Maybe that's some kind of record.”

“I met a real looker. He picked me up at the two dollar slot machines, so you know he's no cheapskate."Grandma Mazur”

“And then it gets so hot that they keep the supermarkets too cold. Hot, cold. Hot, cold. It gives me the runs."Mr. Landowsky”

“You're going to find this hard to believe, but cops aren't required to carry emergency condoms."Joe Morelli”

“You can't put cuffs on Mr. Cluck! What will the kids think?"Stuart Bagget”

“Its always nice to have a stud muffin at the table.”

“Your cousin Maureen just got a job at the button factory. They're probably still hiring."Helen Plum”

“Hey. I know dirty."Vinnie”

“I was watching television and I saw how you stick your fingers in a person's eyes to slow them down."Grandma Mazur”

“I was driving by, doing a security check... and I smelled leg of lamb."Morelli”

“You're scared now, I can smell it..."Benito Ramirez”

“The way I see it, living in New Jersey is a challenge, what with the toxic waste and the eighteen wheelers and the armed schizophrenics."Connie Rosolli”

“I shot that sucker right in the gumpy."Grandma Mazur”

“Suppose something goes wrong? Suppose you need a big full-figure woman like me to help straighten things out?"Lula”

“You're a lunatic. You ran me over with a goddamn Buick.”

“you see what I'm saying?" Mooner said. "Something else always comes along. You go to jail, you don't have to worry about anything. No rent to pay. No food bill to sweat. Free dental plan. And that's worth something, dude.You don't wnat to stick your nose up at free dental.”

“You must be a terrible burden to your mother. I am feeling so sorry for her not to have a proper daughter."Mrs. Apusenja - To the Nines”

“This isn't just a job. This is a service profession. We uphold the law, babe."Ranger”

“Bullets are creepy."Stephenie”

“You should see me work my magic in leather"Ranger”

“There's a small possibility that I might be a murder suspect"Stephanie”

“Oh good. I love being bait for a homicidal mutilator."Stephanie Plum”

“Does your mother know that you're carrying a gun? I'm going to tell her. I'm going to call and tell her right now." She sent me a look of utter disgust and slammed the front door. I was 30-year-old and Mrs Morelli was going to tell my mother on me. Only in the burgh.”

“There's me and then there's you, and you aren't ever going to be as good as me, Sweet Thing."Ranger”

“He specializes in virgins! The brush of his fingertips turns virgins into slobbering mush." Mary Lou Molnar”

“It's not the pizza, darlin', its my masculine presence."Joe Morelli”

“Do you know what I did? I urrrrrinated on the cake at my ex-wife's wedding. Pissssed all over the icing."Melvin Baylor - Seven Up”

“I don't mean to change the subject or anything, but have you tried concealer on that zit?"Cynthia Lotte - Hot Six”

“Cupcake, your middle name is trouble.”

“Good thing he's dead," Lula said, "or that would have hurt like the devil.”

“We don't usually write up accidents involving rabbits.- Joe Morelli ”

“Stephanie,' Valerie said. 'She's going to have a baby, and she's getting married.' My father was confused. He looked around the room. No Joe. No Ranger. His eyes locked on Diesel. 'Not the psycho,' he said. Diesel blew out a sigh. My father turned to my mother. 'Get me the carving knife. Make sure it's sharp.”

“[Stephanie] That's not the point. I can't just let monkeys loose in Trenton. [Lula] Why not? There's all kinds of crazy shit loose in Trenton.”

“The dog ran into the kitchen, stuck his nose in Grandma's crotch, and snuffled.Dang," Grandma said. "Guess my new perfume really works. I'm gonna have to try it out at the seniors meeting.”

“If I let her in I'm doomed. It's like inviting a vampire into your house. Once you've invite them in, that's it, you're good as dead!”

“My father hired you to protect me," Ahmed said, "not to go off chasing men." Grandma leaned forward, keeping her eye on the Taurus. "We think this guy killed Fred." "Who's Fred?" "My uncle," I told him. "He's married to Mabel." "Ah so you're avenging a murder in the family. This is a good thing.”

“Aren't you something," Grandma said. "I never saw a midget up close." "Little person," Briggs said. "And I never saw anyone as old as you up close, either.”

“He squinted at me. "What are you wearing? Is that some new form of birth control?”

“I always wanted to eat with a Negro,” Grandma said.Yeah, well I always wanted to eat with a boney-assed old white woman,” Lula said. “So I guess this works out good.”

“Fine. Let Ranger get someone else. Trust me, you don't want to be out looking for a parking place on Sloane in the middle of the night.""I won't have to look for a parking place. Tank's picking me up.""Your working with a guy name Tank?""He's big.""Jesus", Morelli said. "I had to fall in love with a woman who works with a guy named Tank.""You love me?""Of course I love you. I just don't want to marry you.”

“I need to look like an idiot at least twice a day to keep myself humble.”