Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“My dad was born poor, made a fortune during his life, and then died suddenly—murdered by his only son, leaving his vast estate to a daughter I didn’t know he had.”
“The people need to know that the people need to know. And I’m just the man to let them know that they need to know. However, what they need to know, I do not know.”
“Gather the wheelchairs in a circle, and then summon the cripples. Would anybody care for a glass of discrimination?”
“I’m looking for a girlfriend. That’s why I brought binoculars.”
“I’m not a good liar, and that makes me a good liar, because liars are bad, and bad liars are good.”
“My advice is don’t take advice from anybody. This is good advice, and as such, it’s bad advice.”
“Last February had 29 days. It wasn’t a leap year, but me and 28 of my clones each remember that month as if it were a day.”
“Things just didn’t work out between us. Who knows, another time, another place, maybe things still wouldn’t have worked out.”
“Science, where would scientists be without it? They’d probably still be in my basement, where I left them a few minutes ago.”
“Boys will be boys. Well, some boys will be girls.”
“Tomorrow night I’m giving a lecture on silence and invisibility. Don’t be surprised if I don’t show up. ”
“I’m like a ventriloquist chasing his own voice. I can whisper and shout at the same time, and this is the closest approximation I have to a description of love. I would offer you something to drink, but I’m not in the kitchen, even though it may sound like I am.”
“Bosses are like assholes—everybody’s got one. Well, everyone except the unemployed. But still, bosses are like assholes, in that they are assholes. ”
“There’s a penis in my penne pasta. It’s my penis, but that doesn’t mean it belongs there.”
“There’s too much nudity on TV, and not enough on the radio.”
“I’ll trade you one dollar for five dollars. What, is my money no good here?”
“I’ve got a life. I spend all my time dreaming of a new life.”
“I’m a logician. No matter how wrong I am, I can always convince myself I am right.”
“The thing that has impacted life on earth the most is life on mars. That’s where the government is storing all my clones.”
“Get off the scale, and get out of my weigh.”
“What I’m doing is not doing anything, and I’m doing a half-ass job.”
“Success, if I simply gave it to you, you wouldn’t have the pleasure of taking it.”
“Try my all-you-can-eat vomit soup. Sadly, people don’t want seconds, because they don’t even want firsts. But it tastes great. I tasted it on the way down—and then again on the way up.”
“The problem with ebooks is you can’t get booger smears on the pages.”
“Like a midget, I walk tall and proud.”
“Life is made up of only one thing: the now. The past and the future could be considered dreams, if only they were as real. At least a dream is in the now.”
“Who’d cum first, you or your clone? To find out, why don’t you go fuck yourself?”
“I hung a large pizza over my window, because it was more delicious than curtains.”
“To choose to chew, rather than converse with my fellow dinner guests, was the choice I made when I chose the chewiest item on the menu. I wasn’t being rude. In fact, I was being polite. By ignoring them, I fulfilled and followed the aphorism: “It’s not polite to talk with your mouth full of food.”
“I didn’t hear what was said, but I laughed, because I was too embarrassed to embarrass him by breaking up his punch line and laughter by asking him to repeat it.”
“I’m a bean counter. Oh, I’m not an accountant, but I did spill pinto beans on the counter.”
“When I saw her naked, my penis went from hash brown to French fry. ”
“Hoping to get a head start on the next day, I eat breakfast the night before. That way I can sleep in until two in the afternoon.”
“When it seems like the sky is about to collapse, relax, that’s just the roof caving in.”
“You are going to lose your home, your spouse, your life, and all at once, when you die. So why not drink coffee now and remember the life you haven’t started living yet?”
“The smell of coffee was enough to wake up my neighbors. In a display of gratitude, they complained about my music being too loud.”
“I’m a miner, and I’m always dirty, because I’m constantly digging. Am I shoveling for gold? Hardly. I’m unearthing this hearty land searching for the next great American novel. If I dig deep enough, I’m sure to find it.”
“My asshole smells like a bookstore. So, are you a big reader?”
“He’s got the world’s softest knuckles. They’re like rubber the way they bounce off my steel balls.”
“Coffee and donuts go together like government policy and subsequent poverty.”
“The topic of weather isn’t small talk, when you’re conversing with a meteorologist.”
“One Jarod’s a lover, and one Jarod’s a fighter. Which Jarod am I? The middle one.”
“With your fertile eggs, and my semen, we’d make a delicious omelet.”
“If you can be quiet, you’re more than welcome to stay in my House of Silence. Bring your own bubblegum ice cream. ”
“Flower coffee—less caffeinated, more romantic. I wanted to be with her, but when I was, I felt like I’d rather wither.”
“This is a cat’s world, and man’s just allowed to share in it.”
“The past screams louder than the future. The future is mute, but it’s not deaf.”
“I have no auditory depth perception. She said, “I love you,” and I couldn’t even tell if she was 300 miles away, or 6 feet below my feet and 300 years away.”
“I’m asking you not to do it. Can you do that for me? Can you do not doing it? ”
“My ex girlfriend and I, we had chemistry together. And right after that, we had biology.”