Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I tattooed my name on my buttocks, so you’d know what an ass I am. Also so either me or my clone could claim me, if I ever got lost.”
“Sure, I’ll take your pamphlet. I need to fill up my trashcan anyway.”
“I saw her at the party last Saturday. I could tell by her body language that she wanted me. She was wearing a shirt that said, “I want you Jarod.” I left alone that night. Come Sunday morning, I found out that she went home with Jarod Wheedlebreeder. I guess the bonds of Jarod aren’t as tight as I thought.”
“I came from a broken home. My bedroom window was cracked.”
“The big uncookable sections of who we are, they’re the ones I love to taste the most.”
“I collect sounds. I store most of them in my ears, but some, like the sneeze, I store in my nose. If you wear a rain slicker and some rubber gloves, I’ll show you my collection sometime.”
“I’ve had a stressful day, and I need something stronger than beer. Somebody fetch me a bodybuilder. Check the cooler in the garage.”
“Taxidermy and taxes go together like peanut butter and sodomy. Can somebody get me two slices of bread?”
“The truth is I did try to stab him. I tried to stab him with a butter knife. Why? Because it seemed deadlier than trying to stab him with a melting stick of butter.”
“I want a ride that’s comfy and fast. And you just can’t beat the gas mileage or upholstery of a horse.”
“My advice is to just ignore the problem until you’re dead. This could be the quickest solution of your life.”
“I won an Oscar. I Won it in a raffle. It’s a replica, but I still gave a teary-eyed acceptance speech. I thanked your mom for being so supportive (she’s got a back like a dining room table).”
“The important issues, once you’ve taken them on, you can’t take them off. What do you think they are, panties?”
“I just peed in the sink. Why? Because there was already somebody in the bathtub.”
“Do not oppose my opposable thumbs. If you do, we’ll have a thumb war.”
“Do is to don’t, as go is to gon’t. Gon’t even do there.”
“We all want to be the best at something. Trouble is, some people are only the best at being second best. ”
“There is a hole in my buttocks. I’d like to return it, or at the very least exchange it for a new one.”
“Every leap year I like to jump. It’s a good way to get my daily exercise in every four years.”
“When the war comes, you’ll find me on the front line, with some crayons, coloring outside the lines.”
“The months roll by like wheels on a wheelchair. Pretty soon it’ll be July. Feels like just last month it was May.”
“The very thing keeping me alive is also killing me—love. No wonder the rose symbolizes both love and death. They should have a deal where if you buy a dozen roses you get a free headstone.”
“We’re distant cousins. He’s my first cousin, but he’s 5,000 miles away. And he doesn’t talk much.”
“I’m a neat person (interesting), but I’m not a neat person (organized).”
“Not only am I not my dad’s favorite child—I’m his only child.”
“I want to kidnap kids and force them to take useless tests all day long. Wait, that’s what our public education system already does.”
“The ability to lick their own asses, does this make cats their own bosses?”
“Politics is all about showing you have integrity—and hiding the fact that you really don’t have any.”
“I have an iron deficiency. You can tell by how wrinkled my clothes are.”
“I’ll wishy-wash your car. Maybe. ”
“A brick could be lodged inside a home to provide comfort, stability, hope, change, and audacity. Oh gosh! Sorry about the last three—I was in my political bullshit mode again. ”
“When you're here, I'm there for you. And when you're there, I'm here for you.”
“Can you break my five-dollar bill into five singles? Women love guys with lots of money.”
“Number one on my list of things to do before I die is become immortal. Obviously there is no number two on my list.”
“The police called it choking, but I called it a two-handed neck hug. That’s how I knew she really loved me.”
“I heard my friend’s car wouldn’t start, so I mailed him a parking lot. I should be a politician.”
“Mustaches are so cool that I not only have one—I have two. I wear both of mine above my eyes.”
“I don’t mind waiting rooms. I’m waiting on the love of my life, so I may as well have a seat, right?”
“It’s easier to hide your smoking habit on a foggy day. Let that be a lesson for you and your secret lover.”
“My love is expansive. Your love is expensive.”
“I’m not a very good sleeper. But you know what? I’m willing to put in a few extra hours every day to get better. That’s just the kind of hard worker I am.”
“A jet may be perfect for breaking the speed of sound, but a brick is designed to break the speed of silence. Just listen to that quietness. ”
“A brick could be used as a flotation device, if you’re Michael Phelps and don’t need it. ”
“Issues need to be addressed. So do boxes of bricks that need to be mailed. Make the shipping label out to Kat Nelb, 2332 Blanket Anagram Way, Jacksonville, Fl 3223. ”
“Bricks, bricks, and bricks could be given away at the Olympics, instead of gold, silver, and bronze medals. If all a champion wants is to win, then I’ll take all that unnecessary gold and silver off the international community’s hands. ”
“A blanket could keep a family of three warm for a lifetime, but global warming could do the same for the world forever. ”
“Blankets could be used to represent the warmth and comfort of Libertarian ideals. And the world would be a better place, if most politicians didn’t have bricks for brains. ”
“A brick could be used in a knee replacement surgery, to build back the wall separating man from a sub four-minute mile. Damn you, Roger Bannister! ”
“A brick could be used to motivate. Just hold it up as an example of something that’s going nowhere in life. ”
“A hotel is more than bricks and blankets. A hotel is a welcoming atmosphere, and a place to engage in a business transaction with a prostitute. ”