Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“If I were to assign a color combination to my love for you, it would be purple and brown, because you are a royal pain in the ass.”
“If I shake your hand, will I get my fingerprints all over your fingertips? I hope not. Otherwise the crime scene, and the shaft of my penis, is riddled with my fingerprints.”
“It’s important that my socks match. I don’t want anything that distracts from my sock puppet show. Quiet, now! Show starts in ten seconds.”
“It’s amazing that a thin film of plastic wrap is enough to protect food against the aggression of hungry marauders. Or maybe the plastic cover doesn’t act as a shield, but rather the starving mob is staved off by one simple word: Leftovers.”
“I put my heart in a paper cup, so she’d be more likely to drink it up.”
“I ran a few miles, Davis, and they were musical. Then I made love like the sound of a trumpet, as heard by Helen Keller.”
“I want to create a 3-4 deal—buy three for the price of four. Offer valid for any product but love, which is one for the price of two only.”
“The cause isn’t worth getting up for, but it is worth sleeping for. Just trying to do my part to help humanity.”
“I would let you ride shotgun, but first I’ll need to reload.”
“I like instant gratification. It’s like instant coffee, only it won’t keep you up all night.”
“I don’t know how to say it without saying it, so I’ll just not say it. Or I could show it, because that’s the only way to make love visible.”
“She’s not showing any interest in me and she looks like she doesn’t want to be here. Should I take off her handcuffs? I thought kidnap victims were supposed to fall in love with their captors? ”
“I have three sets of humor. One I keep in a bag of salt, because it’s the dry one. ”
“I can take care of myself, but I can’t take care of myself and a child. I’ve decided to give myself up for adoption. ”
“He told me he had a wife and daughter, and then he showed me a picture of an 8-year-old girl, to which I said, “Don’t you think she’s a bit too young to be a wife and mother?” Fucking pedophiles.”
“I would take a trip down Memory Lane, but with gas prices sky high, forget about it.”
“If you don’t cover your mouth, a yawn is an invitation for a blowjob.”
“The escalator doesn’t work, and you’d think they’d still be used as stairs, but in this economic depression, even the stairs are unemployed.”
“Love lets us ride on its back as if it were a camel. But you’ve got to water it, or it won’t grow into a healthy rose bush.”
“Instead of selling other countries weapons, we should sell them candles. Maybe then instead of singing the praises of war, they’d start singing Happy Birthday. And I don’t know anybody, not even my bully of an uncle, Uncle Sam, who wants to start a fight during that song.”
“It’s a conflict of interest, because I’m not interested.”
“I’m not a murderer, though I have killed off billions of alternate me’s. They don’t exist because of me and my actions. Would they have done things differently? Yes, but they’re not me—and yet they are. ”
“Don’t steal because it’s immoral, not because you’re afraid you’ll get caught.”
“I am the kid with the dirty red shoes. That’s not dirt, it’s blood. ”
“I won’t pick up your bad habits. They look heavy and I’ve got a bad back. Plus, I have my own bad habits already.”
“I hear phonetically on the phone. Toiletries sounds like toilet trees to me.”
“When I turned 30, I was done with Thousand Island dressing. I have moved on to Island Number 1001.”
“I can do what Olympians couldn’t do. Of course they couldn’t do it because they were infants when I picked a moment in time to compare myself to them.”
“A can of canola is better than a can of can’t.”
“If I say “No decision has been made,” it’s a lie—because I have decided to remain undecided.”
“I’m in disguise. I’m disguised as myself, and I’m a master of disguise, so that’s why you couldn’t tell I was in disguise. Not even my clone could tell.”
“I like to use my influence for good, rather than evil. And in this case, the good is a free meal at a swanky restaurant. But I don’t have much influence, as you could tell if you saw the meal I was just given: two packets of saltine crackers and a glass of water (ice not included).”
“I don’t know what I’ll do until I know what you’ll do. I’m proactive with my preemptive reactive strategy. ”
“I’ve been to 8 Mile. I condensed a half marathon into it.”
“He has one of the worst personalities. Actually, you can’t call it a personality, since he acts more like an animal than a person.”
“The people at the party forgot I was standing there. But it’s OK, because I forgot I was standing there too.”
“God gave man two ears and one penis hole for a reason. I’m not sure what that reason is, but I’m sure it’s a good one.”
“If you asked me to mow your lawn, I’d say sure—just as soon as you move your lawn directly above mine.”
“I wish to report an attempted murder—on my clone. Someone tried to drink my semen out of beaker number two.”
“Is a one foot by one foot piece of cloth a blanket? What about if you rotate it all over your body throughout the night like it was Colorado and you were the continental US?”
“If I asked people how many people there are in the world, I’ll bet more than half would reply, “More than half.” True, but would they also know Georgia is a state, a country, and a painter?”
“I could either buy one missile, or 88,000 cups of coffee. Both would wake me up, but the coffee would also wake up North Korea. I’ll go with the coffee. ”
“A stranger left a white jacket, and it’s tempting for me to grab it, put it on, and use it like a shield against the spaghetti I’ll soon be eating. When I splatter red sauce all over myself, I don’t feel like a slob—I feel like a warrior.”
“You want to tell me what this is? she asked as she gabbed my erection. “A miracle of science,” I replied.”
“About money-grubbing women, here’s my stance: Bring on the gold diggers. I’ve got nothing to offer but pyrite.”
“I have a protective coating, like a tank. It’s called Love. And when I get you naked, I’ll want to make war to you.”
“Some of the higher-ups in the organization don’t know anything about the company—including which floor they are on (the top one). It makes me angry enough to go out and start my own elevator repair business.”
“I bought two items to get a third free, and then I returned the two. I should be Shopper of the Year”
“The two sisters wouldn’t sleep with me. But it’s cool, because they were nuns, and I didn’t have my clerical costume on.”
“Don’t try to pull the wool over my eyes. You can’t fool an old sheep like me. To prove it, I’ll tell you that I’ve been continuously voting for the same person for president for years and years, a few of them even before he died.”