Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“You may have to dish out more love than me, but I have more love to dish out. Also, it’s your turn to wash dishes.”
“I’m feeling a little under the weather. But once I open my umbrella, I’m sure I’ll begin to feel better.”
“I’d hang a walrus on my wall, and I’d name him Russ. But I’m not a hunter—I’m a lover and a fisherman. Dinner will be ready in ten minutes, if you want to take off your pants and wash up.”
“Kevin Love has a last name that sums up my feelings for you. But then again, so does Renaldo Letsfucktonight.”
“I’d rather have nobody to say anything to, than have nothing to say to anybody.”
“Eyes are shaped like leaves, mouths are shaped like leaves, and goodbyes are shaped like leaves. But my love, that is shaped like a tree.”
“I want to meet and marry a girl with the same last name as me, so I can show how modern and feminist I am by taking on her last name after marriage. ”
“The scent of your asshole smells like childhood memories. I mean it would, if I grew up in New Jersey.”
“What you’d call stealing, I’d call a mistake. Or, if I were a politician, I’d call it an opportunity, and my privilege.”
“The best place to hide gold coins is in a treasure chest filled with those circular chocolates that are coin-sized and wrapped in gold foil. That’ll foil any thief.”
“Mrder—all I need is u.”
“I said it unto him who isn’t, and he wisely said nothing. Sometimes saying nothing is saying more than enough.”
“You don’t have to tell me why, if you tell me why you won’t tell me why. Or at the very least tell me why you won’t tell me why you won’t tell me why.”
“Pillow talk always puts me to sleep. I’d rather chat about bed sheets, which can be converted into capes.”
“I want to invent a drug to help people get off drugs.”
“In a battle of believability, the winner is the one with the best body language, not the clearest logic.”
“I prefer long-distance relationships. If we were dating, would you be offended if I asked you to stand back a few feet?”
“My hands fell asleep, so I washed them with hot coffee. Then I had donuts for breakfast, by way of spinning circles in my car and burning rubber in the parking garage of my office building.”
“It’s sad when people want to wear out a perfectly good last name when they don’t have any other pants. Idea for a pen name: Johnny Nudity.”
“Just like trying to ice skate on two sticks of butter in the desert, my love for her melted and was no good to anyone but a chef.”
“It takes maturity and practice and patience to spread chunky peanut butter evenly on crumbly bread.”
“Language is the proper way to communicate, followed closely by five balled up fingers forming a fist and flying at a face. Violence is never the answer—unless the question is: What the fuck are you going to do about it?”
“I make love like a flamethrower would make a good ice machine. But that’s OK, because I like ice water.”
“I play the only instrument that takes in music rather than propelling it out: the ear trumpet. Don’t bother snickering at me—I am deaf to your mockery. ”
“I could do more pull-ups with a midget on my back, than a midget could do with me on his back. This makes me the superior land animal.”
“I eat overcast skies for breakfast, because sunlight isn’t filling enough. As a lover, I’m a bring-my-own-umbrella kind of guy, because a soup bowl doesn’t offer enough space or protection.”
“In the future, it’ll be my child, but it will be my child’s life, so I must name it not for me, but for it. I like how that sounds. I think I’ll call it “It.” Boy or girl, It is perfect. ”
“A man who claims to be 32 degrees is one freezing freemason. That man must make love with all the warmth of a shadowy secret.”
“She said, “What?” so I replied, “What what?” She gave me a look that said, “What what what?” and I didn’t respond because I fell in love with her.”
“Would a suit of armor make women feel as invincible as a sexy pair of shoes?”
“I keep butter in my underwear, because it’s like a meat locker down there. Can I interest you in two rolls of bread?”
“When you carry a gun, everything starts looking like a sword. If you pass the butter too quickly, I’m likely to shoot you. But even if you attack me, we can still be lovers.”
“I have bread, water, and love—what more can a man ask for? How about pasta, wine, and sex.”
“Do you mind if I use your bathroom? I haven’t made dinner yet.”
“Who was where when has no impact on where you are now.”
“I’m a Colorado boy at heart, even though my surrounding body is like the landmass containing the encircling 47 states. But I love like Hawaii and Alaska—hot and cold and from a distance.”
“I admire from a distance. Too close and the flaws form a craterous landscape and the charm is lost. Who do you think I am, Neil Armstrong?”
“I wash my hair with strawberry jelly, because my favorite thing to eat for breakfast is lunch. It’s never too late to love someone, but sometimes it is too early.”
“Dear mom, My lieutenant is a prostitute. Can you please send me more lunch money, as her rates have recently increased.”
“Ben Bernanke is like an economist on a misty morning, because he hasn’t the foggiest clue.”
“His name is Arnold. But you’re not on a first name basis with him, and that’s not his first name. So that’s Mr. Arnold to you. Once you get to know him, he may let you call him by his first name, which is Grafmiller. His middle name is his wife’s maiden name: Maiden. Their maid’s first name is Maiden, and her last name is America. Maiden America, though I think she was made in China.”
“Man should have a solid foundation under his feet, and a roof over his mouth.”
“The man who pulled my winning raffle ticket out of the hat said I was one lucky guy. I guess he didn’t see me standing next to my clone, so I replied, “I am two lucky guys.”
“One time a woman made my heart flood with love, and then fled the scene of the subsequent boating accident. Many people drowned that day, and all of them remember it fondly as they fondle themselves.”
“I’m not getting fat and lazy. I’ve always been lazy. C’mon, I’m American!”
“I want a trophy that has atrophy—where the maquette on top isn’t sculpted metal, but rather a flaccid sack of jelly that sags and droops.”
“Nobody’s going to notice what’s not there, unless something was there and now is not. But if it wasn’t there all along, it’s mine for the taking, and nobody’s going to say nothing. It’s not stealing if I take something that isn’t there, even if I do so sneakily and I wait until nobody’s looking. But I don’t care if nobody is looking at me, because stare all day long, nobody doesn’t exist.”
“The bottom of a cup of coffee is not as good as the bottom of her body—which is actually in the middle of her body.”
“Know yourself better than your opponent knows you, know your opponent better than he knows himself, know yourself better than you know your opponent, and know you have all this knowledge and you will be victorious. That’s the advice I’ll give my clone before I defeat him in battle.”
“The three of us met to discuss dinner over sandwiches, and I decided I liked them. The sandwiches, not the people. I hated those fucking people.”