Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“When I go house hunting, I use a rather large gun. You should see me fish for the best tasting Starbucks coffee. Oh, and can I borrow your plunger?”
“The best part about a rear naked choke, is the naked part.”
“He attacked me, so I had to slit his throat with a steak knife. But not before I splashed Worcestershire sauce all over it.”
“I’m a patriotic pilot. I know how to fly a flag. Of course I don’t fly anything anymore, not after my boating accident.”
“I am the go-to guy for to-go boxes.”
“We all need something to embrace, even if it’s just our own torso.”
“Five minutes ago it was five minutes late, and my watch is five minutes slow.”
“Somewhere, on some sidewalk, is a piece of gum with my shoe’s imprint patterned on it. You must find it and bring it to justice.”
“If you’re going to do something dumb, do it in a smart way. This is my advice for falling in love.”
“I’m halfway to being a father. Not 4.5 months out of 9, but ½ of a mating ritual.”
“By the time I tell you to start doing something, it’s time for you to stop listening and start doing. Especially if what I tell you to do is start listening.”
“I could fuck on my back like 4:44. But I don’t. I do it like 3:33.”
“If it looks like you have pink eye, I’ll take a look at it. Drop your pants and bend over.”
“I’m romantic. I’ll try to make your bed while you’re still sleeping in it.”
“I believe men belong in the garage, because that’s where the dog food is stored. And the band is kept there. Auditions start after I move the car.”
“My heart beats to the rhythm of the windshield wipers. I’d better never drive in the desert, unless I want to die. Our relationship has one too many cactuses in it to be deserving of my love.”
“There’s no room in my life for a woman. I mean I live in a closet, and I suppose I could squish my clothes over and she could squeeze in, but where is she supposed to put her clothes? And her shoes, what about her shoes?”
“My wallet was empty after the charity auction. Of course, my wallet was empty before the auction too. I donated my time and money to strippers.”
“I laced up my sneakers, but not with the intention to sneak around. I was just going to skulk for a bit, when out of the blue I discovered my green thumb and ended up doing a bit of gardening. I really had no idea I was such a badass until that moment.”
“She’s not a pothead. That thing on her neck is a vase. And anyway, I’m all for legalization. After all, why should surrealism be illegal?”
“Weeping willows remind me of summer. And sadness. I wonder if tissues are made out of their trunks.”
“I may give up on life one day, but that doesn’t mean my clones will just roll over and die. There are just too many people who need my help, people willing to pay for my services.”
“I want to do something different, and make a difference in people’s lives. If everyone jumps off a bridge, I’ll be the guy who built that bridge.”
“I want to write a book called Kissing Kissinger. It won’t be about kissing, Kissinger, or even politics. It’ll be about radiator fluid, and all the health benefits you can enjoy from chugging it.”
“I don’t want to do anything I have to do, even if I want to do it. Compulsion takes the fun out of it.”
“I’d like to let another person reveal my personality, and I’d like this person to be my clone. My clone would see me from the inside, as well as the outside.”
“I want to find myself as a person, and I’ve enlisted the help of my clone to aid me in this. It’s like finding Waldo, except I’m only half wearing the red and white sweater, because I’m only half-finished knitting it.”
“Things I’ve learned the hard way: #1) When you’re making a door-to-door sales pitch, make sure your shorts aren’t so short that your dick dangles out of them.”
“When someone says, “One last thing,” it never is. Unless they die right after speaking. Make sure that they do. Check their pulse to be certain.”
“Employment: I’ll trade my time and labor for your money. So time is not money, because money is time plus labor. I spend my time saving money, I spend my money saving time, and I labor hard to not labor hard.”
“I’m like a staircase, she was like an elevator, and our relationship never escalated above friendship. I’d like to think we’ll one day be a couple, but I’m not going to wear a fishbowl on my head and dream about it. That wouldn’t be fair to me, her, or the goldfish I’d be displacing.”
“Vegetables come from the ground. So does my love. Eat it raw.”
“With the interconnectedness of it all, the world is more fluid than ever. I blame it on the rain. Milli Vanilli was ahead of their time.”
“I had a dream about you last night. We started a shoe company, and a competitor (probably someone from Nike) attacked you, so I had to stab them in the throat with a shoelace. I guess it would have been better to use that shoelace to strangle them. ”
“I have pride in my name, because I have pride in myself. I do not represent my name—my name represents me.”
“I am the minister in The Ministry of Scarcity, but I’m not ordained because they were out of the paper they use to print the certificates on. Still, the title alone carries some weight (2.2 pounds).”
“As our bodies are mostly made of water, I’d rather be hungry than thirsty. And as love is mostly made up of sugar water, I’d rather be a hummingbird caged in your heart.”
“Trying to resist my love is like trying to hold back a tsunami with a surfboard. My advice is to take up boogie boarding.”
“Sign I wrote on the inside of a brick wall: This is not an exit. This is a wall. Though if you get a long running start, and really throw your shoulder into it, I’m sure you could get out this way.”
“My love for you would blot out the sun like a cloud made out of yogurt. I hope you brought a spoon.”
“I’m older than myself. At least I will be, once my clone gets here.”
“There’s truth and honor in a mustache. And that’s why I started flying one on the flagpole outside of my house.”
“I peed on the floor to get hired. Now I’m the janitor. ”
“Should I go up one flight of stairs and then come back down, or should I go down one flight of stairs and then come back up? Same destination, same distance, same amount of work, but two different paths. Who knows, I might find love on one path. Probably the path I don’t choose. ”
“Not only did I lie about lying, but I lied about lying about lying. And you’d better believe that’s the truth.”
“I once made love to a taco shell stuffed with rancid meat and watery tomato bits. It was the best sex I’ve ever served to an unsuspecting customer.”
“When I sing, it sounds like I’m gargling spaghetti. Is it any wonder that women lust after me and mail me their panties? (Mail to: Jarod Kintz/12358 Fibonacci Way/Jacksonville, Fl 32258) ”
“Like Alexander the Great and Caesar, I’m out to conquer the world. But first I have to stop at Walmart and pick up some supplies.”
“On savings: A dollar here, a dollar there. Over time, it adds up to two dollars. ”
“He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.”