Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I was nervous. Like an ice cube, I just froze up. Then I melted in some strange guy’s drink.”
“I’m 30-years-old, and I still can’t get out from under my father’s shadow. He’s really tall, so maybe I’ll just ask him to move over a few feet.”
“Love knows no boundaries. I wish I would have known that before I hired a cartographer to map out my romantic territory.”
“My armpits are not only rank, but they’re ranked number one in customer satisfaction. Try them for free or your money back.”
“We rode the merry-go-round like a couple of lovers. We weren’t though; we were just two horse enthusiasts from two different worlds (I think she was from Mars).”
“33 old people went into a nursing home, and only 34 people came out alive. One old woman died while giving birth to twins.”
“The only gift I have to give, is the ability to receive. If giving is a gift, and it surely is, then my gift to you is to allow you to give to me.”
“My love is like the shape your mouth makes while you whistle. Would you mind if I accompanied you on my harmonica?”
“No matter how much water a sink takes on, it never lives up to its name. The Titanic would never have sunk if it were made out of a sink.”
“Love is like a blanket: it will keep you warm, but it might also suffocate you. Also, it's probably covered with cat hair—love, I mean.”
“You don’t need brass knuckles to discover if a man has a glass jaw. All you need to do is stick his face in a dishwasher, and then check for water spots.”
“My girlfriend just bought me a portable toaster. And my birthday’s coming up, so I’m half expecting her to buy me a portable bathtub to go along with it.”
“My girlfriend bought me a collared shirt for my birthday, mainly so I don’t get too far ahead of her when she takes me for a walk.”
“Growing up, my parents never gave me as much as I wanted for my birthday. For example, one year I wanted a yo-yo, and they ended up giving me some wound up string. Gee, thanks, mom.”
“One of my main regrets in life is giving considerable thought to inconsiderate people.”
“As long as you are wearing a hat made out of shingles, you’ll always have a roof over your head.”
“I don’t want to adopt your ideas, I want to give birth to them.”
“I’m not interested in driving a racecar, but I would love to cruise around in a palindrome.”
“If I could store any character quality in a cookie jar, I’d store patience. Chocolate-chip patience cookies. And I’d eat them all at one sitting.”
“I don’t quite know how to respond to people who say that I dance like my genitals are on fire. I usually just blush and brush aside their flattery.”
“I’m not waiting until my hair turns white to become patient and wise. Nope, I’m dyeing my hair tonight.”
“If I told you I’ve worked hard to get where I’m at, I’d be lying, because I have no idea where I am right now.”
“We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.”
“I don’t believe in the zodiac. Whenever anybody asks me what my sign is, I always say “Yield.”
“It’s not uncommon for me to be early to meetings by as much as a half a gallon. I guess the reason I am so punctual is because I have a very fluid concept of time.”
“I'm the kind of guy who puts other people first. Particularly if there’s danger up ahead. Now I’m not saying I’m any more cowardly than the next man, unless that next man is any other man besides my clone.”
“Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.”
“If love came in a cardboard tube, I’d probably send it priority mail. But I’d make you pay for shipping.”
“It’s been said that men think only about sex and food. And some men, like my uncle Lester, think about sex with food. Needless to say the church has ordered him to cease bringing his own food to the potlucks.”
“I’m a Pisces, and people say that Pisces make the best the best lovers. That’s because Pisces are fish, and it’s like my grandpa always used to say, “The next best thing to making love to a mermaid, is having sex with a fish.”
“One day Orafoura and I were walking along and I turned and said, "I wish I could capture the weather in a bottle." Without looking at me he said, "You can capture rain in a bottle. Some people call that water.”
“If I spent ten years in prison, I’d probably come to value the small things in life. Things like good food, a comfy bed, and a toothbrush sharpened into a shank.”
“If I were alone with my clone, and we were enjoying each others' solitude, I'd have finally have met a man with whom I could hold a conversation consisting entirely of the repetitive response, "Yes, I agree!”
“Experience is the best teacher I've ever had. I'm sorry, Mr. Sortz, but it's true.”
“If I had a dollar for every time a random woman walked up to me and tried to seduce me, I'd have 50 cents. That's assuming drag queens are half price.”
“A tailor walks into a lawyer, and the bar says, "I like your suit." And the tailor replies, "This morning I spotted a non-sequitur detective. Don't worry, he didn't follow me.”
“Most kids start talking by age two. I didn't say a word until I was twelve. I was just angry and defiant I guess. My first word wasn't "Mom" or "Dad." It was "No.”
“I told her I'd rather talk about her, instead of listening to her drone on about the weather. Little did I know she was an aspiring meteorologist.”
“How to duplicate yourself: hang out with the same people and say the same things all the time. The you of today is a clone of the you from yesterday.”
“I told her I'd wait forever for her, but that was before I found somebody else who'd give me a ride home.”
“I think the key indicator for wealth is not good grades, work ethic, or IQ. I believe it's relationships. Ask yourself two questions: How many people do I know, and how much ransom money could I get for each one?”
“The best thing about dating a deaf woman with no nose is being able to fart in bed and have her not know. Well, that is unless Edmond tells her, but I don't think he will.”
“I like wearing a blindfold while watching movies, so that I can focus on the dialogue. My favorite flicks are the silent movies.”
“If someone invited you to a flash mob, would you wear a bra?”
“Yellow circles are friendly. Especially smiley faces.”
“I have two friends, Steve and Martin. But I'd happily replace both for the friendship of Steve Martin.”
“You can't put a price tag on human life. But if you could, I'd demand coupons for clones.”
“I love how babies look like old people. I saw a baby the other day that looked exactly like my grandpa, only taller.”
“I like watching people stretch in the park. It's my new favorite pastime since I bought a portable rack.”
“I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.”