Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“When a guy at the urinal says to me, "If you shake it more than twice, you're playing with it," I like to look over at him, grab his ass, and say, "Shh. I'm about to cum.”
“Some guys are the type of people who bring brass knuckles to a fight. I've always thought it prudent to bring some running shoes.”
“If I were a mannequin, I'd know people would only want me for my body. But that's OK, because that's how it is now.”
“Yes, fruits and vegetables are healthy. But you want to know why I eat them? Revenge.”
“I've often wondered what makes a relationship last. I guess the best answer is it's the one right after the next to the last one.”
“I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it.”
“I wrote a thesis on love, and I wrote it in lipstick. Of course, I also got blood on the paper, because the lipstick was still attached to her cheating lips.”
“If you were to ask me the best time of day to fall in love, I'd say, "Now." But you'd also have to remember to factor in the fact that my watch is eleven minutes fast.”
“The other day I woke up to find my girlfriend already gone from the house, and a sticky note on the fridge that said, "I love you." "Oh my God," I thought. "Somebody's obsessed with me, and they kidnapped my girlfriend just to get closer to me.”
“Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.”
“Sex and violence: the greatest duo since the Three Stooges.”
“On March 5th, I'm having my birthday celebration. The party starts at midnight, and ends at 12:01 AM. Don't be late!”
“The road to hell isn't paved with gold, it's paved with faith. Faith in a dollar that's backed by a belief that people have faith in other people's belief in it.”
“I am the washing machine of love. And if you have no idea what I mean, maybe it’s time to let some laundry into your life.”
“What can I say about love that’s never been said by me or anyone else? Well, sometimes love smells like my farts, after I eat a dozen roses.”
“I am the dinosaur of love. Specifically, I am a pterodactyl, and you are my silent “p.” Stay quiet woman!”
“Laughter is the sound of the soul dancing. My soul probably looks like Fred Astaire.”
“I don't understand people who say they need more "Me Time." What other time is there? Do these people spend part of their day in someone else's body?”
“Love is like war, except without all the blood and death and stuff.”
“If you were to ask me what’s under my bed, I’d tell you shoes. They’re brown, and they’re still attached to the body that’s been decomposing there since I hid it three days ago.”
“In a blind taste-test, my kisses were rated as Helen Kelleresque. Women love how the only sense I keenly possess is nonsense.”
“I am a slave to your love. Well, more like indentured servant.”
“When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, “Yesterday, plus 24 hours.”
“My new employer made me get a drug test, so I ripped off my shirt, flexed my muscles, and said, “You suspect me of taking steroids, don’t you?”
“Which half do you want me to cut in half, Mr. Halfofhalf? The name’s Onequarter. Johnny Onequarter. And don’t you forget it.”
“I just started working the graveyard shift at the cemetery. Come to think of it, every shift at the cemetery is the graveyard shift.”
“A lawyer, a politician, and a prostitute walk into a bar, and the bartender says, “Sorry, we don’t serve your kind here.” And I’d have to agree. Serves them right for being so sleazy.”
“Sometimes a symbol holds more power than the thing it represents. Like the symbol for Thing, the one I created that is confusing and abstract and makes people ask, What is that thing? And I always reply, “If you already knew, why did you ask?”
“I find out a lot about myself by sleeping. Dreams, they are who I am when I’m too tired to be me.”
“Selling something only to steal it back to sell again is not only dishonest, but highly profitable.”
“I want to fill a jar with a lot of clapping, and sell my applause next to the applesauce in a grocery store. You can eat the praise you didn’t earn, but did pay for.”
“Don’t shave my head to make your wig of selfishness. Shave it because you care.”
“Sometimes I’ll forget a utensil’s name, and I’ll say, “Give me that pointy thing,” as I point with my pointy finger.”
“I make love like the 13th floor is the 14th floor of a hotel. I give it that little extra that takes it to a whole new level.”
“I want to mass produce wretchedness. An unsatisfactory factory. Then I want to produce cologne and stench—at different ends of the production line. So it would be an olfactory factory.”
“Love is all around. I don’t need your leftovers, ma’am. Not unless you’re offering meatloaf.”
“I gave blood today. It came gushing out of my nose. And anus.”
“Noise soup. I just made it. Taste it with your ears.”
“I know that man started animal husbandry thousands of years ago, and I think it’s disgusting. Men and animals should never be allowed to marry. Or have sex. And maybe not even engage in necking, unless it’s a man and a giraffe.”
“My words and my ideas are my property, and I’ll keep and protect them as surely as I do my stable of unicorns.”
“I haven’t spent my time trying to duplicate my success. But only because I haven’t had any yet.”
“I may not be able to remember your name, but I remember your address and what time you leave in the mornings. Your name isn’t Rob, is it?”
“I’m not opposed to new people, I just don’t like their packaging (diapers).”
“Sometimes no words come as a response, only shapes spring to mind. But after you tell me you love me, I can’t very well reply, “Hexagon!”
“-My son was 32 when he died. -Degrees? So he froze to death, huh?”
“He works for the CIA. Johnny Redyellow is his name, but I just simply call him Agent Orange.”
“I don’t understand people who don’t like meatloaf. Your mom doesn’t make it like Michael Aday does.”
“Loneliness is the unloneliest feeling in the world, as everyone has experienced it.”
“I’ll name my firstborn child Squiblob, after his mother.”
“You’ll drown in my love story, if I ever write it using a fountain pen.”