Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“The problem with Marxism is the proletariat isn’t going to rise up against capitalism and consumerism. The only time they’ll rise up is during a commercial break to either go to the bathroom or grab more beer. ”
“I won’t bring you a single rose to be romantic, but I will point out that our relationship itself is the rose, and it’s our goal to see that it blossoms.”
“Because I’m emotionally immature, I’d prefer letting go of you early and always remembering you as you were, rather than hanging on and letting things develop and blossom and then eventually decay.”
“I’ve been meaning to go shopping for boxing gloves, but I’ve been putting it off. I just need to knock it out and be done with it.”
“The fog scattered the light and spread it thick like mayonnaise. It was late and I was sandwiched between 2011 and 2012, and all I needed was some tomato slices to fully enjoy it.”
“When I first heard Twilight was a book about vampires that sparkled in the light and shape shifters/wolves eager to assist the vampires, I thought, Finally, a metaphorical book dealing with politicians and lobbyists.”
“There are at least two sides to every issue, and I like my issues sunny side up. I also like bacon and toast on the side. Are you eating what I’m saying?”
“I had some emotional issues, so I went to a therapist. And guess what I don’t have now? That’s right, I don’t have any extra money. But I still have those emotional issues.”
“I suspect I’ll be suspicious for my whole life that Saturday night is sleeping with Sunday morning.”
“Make mine a weasel, I said to the crowd of mostly rodents and lawyers.”
“The girl of my dreams got married to someone else. But that’s OK. I don’t need her beside me to keep her locked in the dungeon of my heart.”
“A shirt is a dress, if you have short enough legs.”
“My friend isn’t big into cars. He’s only 4’4”.”
“I’ve often wondered why the Protestant Reformation took place in Germany, rather than in Poland. Then I realize that Luther had to nail his 95 theses to the church door, and the Poles didn’t know how to operate a hammer.”
“I keep odd hours. I keep them stuffed under my mattress.”
“Black holes are darker than magic markers, but not as black as my mood.”
“-There’s a beautiful woman here for you who wants to have sex. -Tell her I’m married. Then tell her I’ll be there as soon as I can.”
“I’m on a government watch list. But I’m not interested, because government watches only work twenty minutes out of every hour.”
“Alone is just another word for love.”
“I have a 12:34 representational time dance. I do it at 3:33 every other Tuesday (twice a day). If you’d like to participate in my choreographed dance routine, bring a football helmet and a half empty can of tuna (keeps the stray cats away, because I perform in a gritty, grimy downtown alley). ”
“I want to write the world’s worst cookbook, which I’ll title: “The World’s Worst Cookbook.” It’ll feature recipes from “Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich” (peanut butter, jelly, and bread), to “Roasted Roadkill and Hitchhiker’s Surprise” (this recipe is a secret concoction handed down from my great grandfather to my grandfather, who told it to my dad just before he ran him over). ”
“I bought you a gift. It’s something I’ve always wanted, but I’m not quite sure you’ll like it. So if you don’t want it just tell me and I’ll be happy to keep it. After all, I’m only interested in making you happy. ”
“I’m at the top of my game. And that game is Monopoly. I’m standing on the board right now.”
“I wouldn’t even be the “world’s sexiest man” if the planet were populated entirely by my clones. ”
“I’m 20 miles from 200 miles from nowhere.”
“I don’t believe it’s morally wrong to steal from a thief.”
“I’ll write something that’s 111% true. It’ll be so true that it’ll be 100% false.”
“I gave her a Boston cream pie, even though we were in Seattle at the time.”
“I told the tree it was going nowhere in life. It was hurtful, but true. Now, maybe in death it will go somewhere, as furniture.”
“Cap’n just jumped on the bed and says we should take a nap. And who am I to argue?”
“I’m not a big car guy. I like compact cars.”
“I’m here today because of my decisions yesterday. So I can change my tomorrow today, but I can’t change my today today. This makes the me of yesterday offensive to the me of today.”
“I met a guy who had an interesting job. He was a meat cutter, or a meat slicer, something like that. I probably butchered his job title. ”
“My skull is soundproof. And thank God too, or else you’d be able to hear all the horrible things I’m thinking about you. ”
“I like watching baseball as much as my grandma’s left ear is loud. (She’d probably give her right ear for a left ear that wasn’t soundproof).”
“When push comes to shove, I’m going to figure out that this door needs to be pulled to be opened.”
“-Good thing you don’t own a mirror, Mr. Mirrorless, or you’d see how ugly you are. -What makes you think I don’t own a mirror? Every face that ever looks at me tells me that I’m ugly. But every time I make them laugh, I get to show them what beauty really is. -I see what you mean. Here, take my rearview mirror. I don’t need to carry it around like a vagina on a rope anymore. -Mr. Thrustsalone, you don’t need to drag a vagina on a rope like some kind of pet on a leash to make you happy. There’s a reason why God invented right hands and hookers. -Why, so politicians could have more productive ways to spend their time and our money than engaging in politics? -Mr. Thrustsalone, you are wise beyond your years. -I’m 88 years old. -Yet you don’t look a day older than 87.”
“I’m not going to lecture you on the error of your ways. Not until you fetch me a podium and a microphone. I’ll also need a screen, a projector, and a laser pointer.”
“The rent should rise with the elevator.”
“Laying on top of me is better than laying on a bed, because a bed doesn’t give off rising heat, or supply a functioning erection.”
“Don’t try blowing smoke up my ass, because you’ll find my anus blocked—by a cigar.”
“I went on a blind date—with a descendent of Helen Keller.”
“I like mirrors as much as the next guy, except if the next guy is my clone.”
“I took a shower under a fountain drink machine at a gas station because it beats showering with unleaded gasoline at $3.33 a gallon and rising.”
“Here you’ll find everything you don’t need—and much less!”
“The French aren’t birthed; they’re hatched out of eggs. That’s why they make the best omelets.”
“I’m practically famous. More than eleven people have heard of me. Twelve, to be exact.”
“Love is like a unicorn with a rainbow for a horn. What I mean is it’s rare, and you’re lucky if you see it once, or at the most twice, in a given week. ”
“I did what I did for my clone, not for my own personal gain. It wasn’t right that he asked it of me, so I asked it of myself.”
“My dreams died nine months before I was born ”