Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I’ll trade my formal neckwear for your love, if your love has an equal or greater value to $14.95.”
“This is what I believe to be the progress of a writer. You write 10 things, of which one of them will be great. You then write 11 things, of which two of them will be great. Then you write 12 things, of which four of them will be great. Then you write 13 things, of which eight of them will be great. Finally you write 14 things, of which 16 of those 14 things will be great. ”
“Today likes to happen before tonight. Impatient, I guess. ”
“If laughter came in paste format you could squeeze out of a tube, I’ll bet nine out of ten dentists would recommend comedy before bed. The tenth doctor, having just read Tolstoy as deliberately mistranslated by Dora J. Arod, would probably recommend reading Russian literature before bed. ”
“My penis is seven. Not years old or even inches. No, my genitalia is the prime number seven. Isn’t that odd?”
“I skinned a skunk to make a rug. You know, for the bathroom.”
“The Nile crashed in the Amazon while being piloted by Miss Ississippi.”
“A fuel pump is a fountain drink machine for cars. And people who want to save the environment and get drunk and run to work.”
“My comfort zone is right above the ozone layer.”
“I’ve got hair in my mouth, because I replaced my teeth with my cat. This makes it more fun to pet my gums.”
“A being of light for a pet wouldn’t be furry, but it would keep you warm—and awake at night.”
“There are levels of humor. The level above mine is invisible and inaudible.”
“I’m not good at talking. Can’t I just nod my way through a conversation? It’s better than nodding off.”
“I started out on a treadmill—and I just did my first marathon. And all while sitting in a wheelchair. ”
“There’s nothing that says love like getting money as a gift, and then giving it away to the needy. ”
“I am dressed as the loudness of your stereo.”
“What if a statue of me walked past my clone frozen in thought? Which one of the two would make a better quarterback than Geno Smith?”
“3.5 billion men in the world all share one I love you. That’s why men rarely say it, because there is only one in the world for the whole gender to share and take turns using.”
“Men will tolerate what they are used to, even if it’s intolerance. That’s why I still drink milk, even though I’m lactose intolerant. Mamma didn’t raise no bigot.”
“I was hot so I gave myself a haircut. I then saw a bald man sweating, so I offered to tweeze his eyebrows. He accepted and was so grateful that he offered to trade mustaches with me. In remembrance of that special bonding moment, I still wear his mustache over my left nipple. ”
“Planning is worrying, only in a productive, proactive form. Worry has to be a large element of planning, or else how could you project different possible scenarios, situations, outcomes, and probabilities, and then plot a course of action? A worry-free man is not a plotter.”
“It’s good if you think bad thoughts, because at least you’re thinking. That’s more than most people do.”
“For dinner I had seared sneer with a glaze of distant gaze, and a side of mashed pride covered in grace.”
“Would women find vampires even sexier and more romantic if instead of fangs they had rose thorns? It’s thoughts like these I think of when digging in my garden, looking for my one true love (If only I could remember where I buried her!). ”
“I don’t use coarse humor, but occasionally I’ll joke about intercourse—between midget siblings.”
“I love running. I’m not into marathons, but I am into avoiding problems at an accelerated rate.”
“The peace corps looks like peace corpse, and death isn’t a very peaceful thought to me.”
“I often wonder how far I’d go for love. I guess it all depends on the price of gas. ”
“I believe I believe I can succeed, and this belief is the foundation for my belief.”
“I made love to a woman who didn’t exist, and I can’t remember how it didn’t feel. It amazes me how often I think about not thinking about it.”
“My chameleon fingertips feel sticky, furry, rough, or any number of things, depending on what I’m touching at the time.”
“No matter how far or long you carry it, my love doesn’t weigh a lot. But if you aren’t carrying it with you, it will weigh heavy on your mind.”
“Before I’ll take my clone on as a pupil in the craft of writing, he must prove his worthiness. He must write 100 thoughts down, of which 10 might be interesting. If he’s done that, good, then he must write 1,000 thoughts, of which 200 might be interesting. If he’s done that, good, then he must write 10,000 thoughts down, of which 4,000 might be interesting. If he’s done that, good, then he no longer needs me to teach him, because he has taught himself. And since he would be teaching himself, it would prove that I really am the best teacher.”
“Cats are the best. They don’t need haircuts, and they love to cuddle, unlike certain celebrities who’ve issued restraining orders against me.”
“The big, burly oaf offended my girl, so without hesitation I rushed to her defense. I did, however, make a few stops along the way, and by the time I got home and back, the dispute was settled and she had found another way home.”
“A date is a place, a destination. March 5th, 1982 is the ideal tourist trap.”
“If a cold breeze signifies a ghost, then the arctic must be really haunted. I’m going there next week, because I’ve got to look everywhere when searching for the love of my life.”
“I want a camera shaped like a jail, so I can capture a ghost on film.”
“I’ve got to have kids of my own. If not, who’s going to ascend to my throne?”
“If kids six and under eat free, then I’m an infant. Or at least infantile. Bring on the steaks.”
“Some people should have stopped singing in the 60s, even if they were born in the 80s.”
“I don’t like chili, unless I’m wearing a jacket.”
“I saw two statues talking to each other. I didn’t hear what they were saying, perhaps because they were whispering.”
“No footless parking. Violators will be toed.”
“If I were to come back in another life, I’d like to be reincarnated as my own clone.”
“My wife is younger. At one point, I was twice her age. Of course, I was six at the time.”
“I got fat, and I decided to do something about it, so I got fatter.”
“Karate, I get a real kick out of it. I would get a kick out of coffee, but I’ve got better ways of stirring, like renting Michael Phelps’ 400 IM time.”
“In a depression, I’d imagine rich people try to dress like they’re poor, and poor people try to dress like they’re rich. As for me, I try to dress exactly like my clone would.”
“I can play the trumpet, but only if I have a sufficient quantity of anal lube.”