Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“If I meant to miss, and I made it, then I missed my miss. So I missed and I made it, rather than making it and missing it. That’s almost as frustrating as being in love!”
“There’s a relentless wave of WTF coming out of Washington DC.”
“I didn’t fire my gun. I gave it a promotion.”
“Your writing can be chosen by one publisher and hated by all readers, or it can be rejected by one publisher and loved by all readers. Most of the time it’s somewhere in between, but either way, don’t let rejection stop you from being hated.”
“When I got married, I could not have chosen a more gorgeous, loving, or perfect woman to crush than the one I broke up with to be with my wife.”
“I admire the Stanley Cup. I’ll bet winning it could provide enough clean water for half of Africa (the middle half).”
“Who needs a thermometer? That’s what my nipples are for.”
“A part-time worker is fully employed, half the time. In other words, they are part-time unemployees.”
“I’m quoting my clone, because he quoted me thinking if I said it, he said it. He thought he was quoting himself when he quoted me. So in effect I’m quoting myself quoting myself, with my clone as a source of what I wrote.”
“I fear one day I’ll get a knock at my front door, and I’ll answer it to find myself standing there. Then I’ll hear myself say, “Hi, I’m from the future, and I’m here to destroy you.” But that is irrational. The future me isn’t out to destroy me, because the me of my past already did a thorough job demolishing my present and possible future.”
“I have a photographic memory. Especially for nudes.”
“I have a rough marriage. It feels like sandpaper, only not as soft and gentle on the anus.”
“I work for a mom and pop business. They’re my mom and pop, and by work I mean they give me an allowance. But that’ll end soon. By age 30, in just a few months, they said it’d be time for me to earn a living. I guess that means they’ll want me to start mowing the lawn. ”
“I can kick the can down the road, and I can also kick other modal verbs.”
“Dancing? Not only do I have two left feet, but they’re different sizes. And I don’t put them in shoes—I store them in glass jars in my basement.”
“I retired at the age of 25, and it wasn’t until a few days later that I realized that in order to retire you need a stash of cash, and if I wanted to live to the age of 26, I’d better reenter the workforce. Or, rather, enter it for the first time.”
“Men are from vaginas, and women are from women.”
“I grew a mustache, and I grew it in my garden. My mustache is organic, and will taste tasty on your mouth.”
“I’m beside myself with excitement over my new clone standing next to me.”
“I once had a dream about a woman, and the next day she died. I stopped sleeping for three days after that to try to save some lives, but then my body relented and I went back to being a murderer.”
“She asked me if I was seeing anybody else, and I said, No, the other woman is invisible.”
“Based solely on the mustache, who would you rather be: Mark Twain, Rollie Fingers, or Frida Kahlo?”
“I met my girlfriend at a bar. But I broke up with her because she was already there, hitting on another guy.”
“I find politicians’ speeches moving. Sometimes I don’t even pack up before forever leaving their vicinity.”
“I dig art. With a shovel. In the cemetery.”
“To live up to its name, softball should be played with a human testicle.”
“I had a missed call. It’s probably the all you can eat buffet calling to say, “Come back! We know you can eat just a little bit more.”
“Everywhere I go, I’m second to arrive. My reputation precedes me, and sometimes it skips out on the bill.”
“Pet my 3:33 pm like it’s a beard. Live it, but don’t lick it.”
“Take me to Happy Birthday Land. It’s open 364 days of the year, and the one day of the year it’s closed for cleaning happens to be my birthday. ”
“1-12, how many Decembers does it take to sell thirteen to Mr. Fourteen and Mr. Months? Depends on how much love you throw in for free.”
“How far would I go to be friends with someone? Halfway.”
“The most deadly combination known to man is low IQ and high testosterone.”
“If I can just find my wife’s foot under the covers, I know everything will be OK. Then I can put that foot where I hid the rest of her body.”
“I remember the first time we made love like it was the second time. We never made love again, and I don’t regret it for a second.”
“Artists exist to show us the world. So do windows.”
“I want to give myself a ridiculous nickname. Something like “Knuckle Cock,” only not so flowery and romantic sounding.”
“When you said you were ugly it was the most untrue thing you’ve ever said. Well, it’s true!”
“I went on a date last night and things went well. If you must know, I got lucky. I found a four-leaf clover.”
“I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket. ”
“Some people say—not to my face, mind you—that I’m a cowardly son of a bitch. And that is simply not true. My mom is not a bitch.”
“He was a cheeky bastard, especially when he talked with a thong in his mouth.”
“I’d drive a thousand miles just to learn how to conserve gas and help save the environment. But that’s just who I am. I’m a thoughtful guy. ”
“I want to invent a Laughometer, a device to measure and gauge humor, which would be used for comedians. And politicians.”
“A bird once sent out its mating call and in return got the siren of an ambulance.”
“I’ve decided to cut back on my sugar intake by applying it externally, as a dermal abrasion.”
“I’m a man of leisure. That’s because I have an English degree and can’t get a job. ”
“Men are the fleas in the gray beard of God, and I’m just itching to meet Him.”
“The decision to empty my mind was a no-brainer. ”
“I want to price my next book and adjust it for the coming hyperinflation. So instead of the normal one dollar price, I’ll charge $1,000,000.00. If I sell one copy now I’ll be a happy man, and if I sell a million copies after hyperinflation hits in a few years then I’ll be equally as happy.”