Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“If I had to live my life over, I’d live it over seas, like a cloud.”
“I walk like I have tornadoes for legs. Let us make love like Kansas.”
“I travel light. But not at the same speed. ”
“Feathers blowing in the wind is no more a bird than a pile of crumpled up receipts from champagne, chocolate, and flower purchases is a true indication that a man loves a woman. ”
“I didn’t set out to discover Truth. I was simply hungry and digging deep in the back of the fridge and boom! there it was. And I’ve got to tell you, the Truth was tasty. ”
“When I say something, I mean what I say, despite what a dictionary says I mean. Meanings of words are slaves that I put to work constructing my pyramids of thought.”
“The bad news is the butcher’s dead. The good news is there’ll be no need for a funeral, and I’ve got enough meat to last for weeks.”
“Education will only take you so far. To go even further, I’d recommend getting a piggyback ride from a midget half your body weight.”
“I’m famous for my Shepherd’s Pie. Here’s my recipe: lamb, potatoes, cheese, peas, paprika, and a wool-covered apron for the chef/shepherd/wolf-like politician to wear while serving the sheeple up. ”
“I read trash. Empty cereal boxes, empty shampoo bottles, the bottoms of empty Kleenex boxes, and occasionally even a mystical self-help book.”
“The reason it’s hard for men to say “I love you” is because those three words represent 10% of the average man’s vocabulary.”
“We agreed to meet at 4. I meant AM and she meant PM, so we both just stood around thinking we’d been stood up.”
“He was a man I came to respect. Not because he wore Ziploc bags for socks (he had sweaty feet), but because he also kept his sandwiches warming there while he walked.”
“To me, the perfect date consists of dinner, dancing, and sex with a girl who has no stomach or legs, but does have an overactive sex drive.”
“I want to say something so embarrassing about September that even the leaves start blushing and turning red.”
“I want to be a naughty pirate, because when I put on that eye patch, it barely covers my genitals.”
“I want to upholster the inside lining of my nostrils with leather, to have that "new car smell" all the time.”
“I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.”
“I've never had cyber sex. My penis won't fit in the USB port. . . at least not without lots of lubrication.”
“I always get whiplash when I have sex in the backseat. Boy, I sure wish Grandmother would learn how to drive.”
“My baby nephew is a real ladies man. He doesn't need to pick up women. They pick him up.”
“I wonder if the singer named Seal got his name by using his cheeks as chumming material for Great White sharks.”
“I'm allergic to fingers, so I have to eat pizza with my feet. You should see me eat on the run.”
“If I ever see an alien fishing in Scotland, and witness it catching the Loch Ness Monster, I’d probably assume the world would want me to write a poem about the event, rather than take pictures of it.”
“I’ve often been told I fight like a girl, probably because from the moment I whip off my bra, my opponent knows I mean business.”
“If I had nostrils on my index fingers, I wonder what the inside of my nose would smell like?”
“If I were stranded in the woods with nothing to eat but nuts, berries, and the complete works of Allen Ginsberg, I’d eat the latter first, because at least the nuts and berries might be inspirational to my poetry.”
“I often laugh at a dog that chases its own tail. But aren’t there some people out there who spend a lot of time “chasing their own tails?” Well, maybe those people should seriously consider getting their tails surgically removed. It did wonders for my self-esteem.”
“I like to keep a shotgun in my room for protection. You know, just in case my apartment gets broken into by a pack of deer, which is something I’m constantly worrying about.”
“Most people walk along the beach hoping to find a fossilized Megalodon shark’s tooth or something. But not me. I walk along hoping to find a fossilized pirate with a fossilized wooden leg, for my collection, which I’ll start once I find the first one.”
“I remember in elementary school, Mother used to write my name on every single pair of my underwear. I guess she did that so none of my classmates would mistake my lunch for theirs.”
“Walking along the sidewalk and staring at the street, I couldn’t help but wonder if my date was thinking how provocative the term “manhole cover” is.”
“The future is right around the corner from a bar called, “Yesterdays.” I know, I work there every tomorrow.”
“I wish I had eyes that changed colors from blue to gray, and then after I cried, to all the colors of the rainbow, because then I’d just sit in front of the mirror writing poems that alternated between extremely sad poems, to poems about light refraction and blinking promises.”
“To me, the most confusing part about golf is that I don’t know whether I’d rather actually be playing golf, or sitting on the green composing haikus about the landscaping.”
“I had to stop selling stick-figure portraits of women at the beach, after too many customers complained I was making them look “too fat.”
“People used to tell me that when I smile I really warm up the room. Well, the moment someone told me about global warming I frowned, and in that exact moment it started to snow. So, if you see me walking around with a furrow on my brow, you’ll know what I’m doing: I’m helping to save Mother Earth.”
“Maybe I will buy my nephew an aquarium for his next birthday. It’s got to be better than the bathroom sink, which is where my brother is keeping him now.”
“I want to be able to convert sunlight to iron, because your body needs it to live, particularly if an attacker is wielding a sword at you.”
“I’ve always wanted to send a message in a bottle, with my message saying something like, “Don’t litter.”
“Someday I want to write a sixteen-syllable Haiku about the death and disappearance of a monosyllabic word.”
“I would hate to see seventeen people with monosyllabic names like Mike or Ann die, but if they did, and you wrote down all their names in groups of 5-7-5, you'd have one tragic haiku.”
“If I could rotate my neck 180 degrees, like an owl, I'd go around wearing backwards baseball caps, just to mess with people.”
“My penis’ name is Pride. Pride is something every woman should be filled with.”
“I think Starbucks would go out of business if more people were to Superglue their eyelids open when they felt tired.”
“I think Gummy Bears should be the universal symbol for peace, because peace leads to prosperity, prosperity leads to decadence, and decadence leads to diabetes.”
“On my desk are two things: an unfinished research paper due tomorrow, and a goat, and I don't feel like doing either of them.”
“If I could go back in time, I'd love to whisper sweet nothings in Van Gogh's ear, but not while it was attached to his head.”
“I have aspirations of becoming the first man to put on a chicken suit, cross the road, and then explain my motives for doing so. I guess you could say that right now I am an egg, and my dream is an omelet; I see myself in my dream, yet it is greater and more colorful than even I am.”
“Her golden hair moved like a hundred moths, all trying to saturate themselves in sunlight, while his hair was spiked like cleats, and he wore a shoe for a hat. He said it helped him to headstands while looking up her dress.”