Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“I'd like to see a flag made not out of stars and stripes, but rather fingers and knuckles, so that it could really wave in the wind. It would be the most welcoming flag in all the world.”
“Pride must be a summer thing, because it "comes before the fall.”
“I sure wish deodorant tasted like butter, because then I could keep mashed potatoes warm and tasty in my armpits all day long.”
“My girlfriend Likes Sex and the City. Trouble is, I live in the country.”
“If your nipples were on your eyelids, then and only then would I give you eye contact while you are talking to me.”
“A drunk can't follow a line of reasoning, even if it is a double white line.”
“Masturbation, like writing, is best when your mind is working faster than your hand.”
“Sometimes I still get the urge to stuff asparagus up my nostrils, even though I don't like the way it makes my pee smell.”
“I'm sure glad socks are made out of cotton, and not ice-cube trays, because I don't like keeping my socks in the freezer. Because if I did that, then where would I keep my underwear?”
“Sometimes I wear sunglasses while I urinate, and pretend that my pee is a solar laser beam that will cut through my pants and legs if a direct hit occurs. I'm sure glad I am only pretending though, because it wouldn't be fun to lose both my legs every day.”
“I sure hope Wrigley doesn't start making socks, because then I wouldn't be able to refuse if someone offered me some socks. I sure do love chewing on socks. They add lots of flavor while I'm biting my toenails.”
“To me, a good friend is one who doesn't talk, but who listens all the time. Someone who is observant. Someone who wiretaps your phone lines. I consider myself a good friend.”
“I don't like questions at all if they are anything like how I like my mashed potatoes: loaded.”
“Is there relationship insurance? You know, in case someone steals your significant other? If not, there should be.”
“If flip flops were oppressive, I wouldn't wear any. I'd go around showing of my bare feet of freedom. And I'd tell everyone that freedom causes blisters.”
“Friends are like orgasms: you can never have too many, but just try to watch out for the fake ones.”
“I once met a man who couldn't think outside of the box. So one day, while he was thinking, I taped the box shut and mailed him to Maine. UPS reported that the box was missing, so I guess he's still lost in thought.”
“If anybody can appreciate fine music, it's me. I mean who else can hit multiple octaves with their armpits?”
“The pinnacle of every conversation is coming to the point.”
“I’m a master of encouragement. Why should I do work myself when the price of getting others to do it for me is as cheap as cheering them on?”
“I made plans for 8:00. When my girlfriend told me she was late, I told her, “That’s funny, because my sperm was absent.”
“What I lack in courage I more than make up for in underwear. I am possibly the bravest coward to ever go commando.”
“With the money I spend on alcohol, I could support a family of four, assuming they are all heavy drinkers.”
“My uncle's a big drinker. In fact, he just got a liver transplant. They replaced it with a bottle of whiskey.”
“In a battle, an army of farts would surely beat an army of noses, even if those noses were armed with fingers that could flick long-range boogers.”
“Nine out of ten Jarod Kintzes agree that there is only one Jarod Kintz.”
“I want to design sleeveless jackets for armless men. I'm still trying to work out how they would zip it up though.”
“I am quite possibly the world's bravest coward. I have never backed down from backing down from a fight.”
“Most people fight with their fists. But I fight with my legs. I fight to stay, but they fight to run. Luckily for them, I don't fight very hard.”
“I call my thumb Napoleon, because I rarely ever lose a thumb war. Also because my thumb's so small, and I wear a tiny funny hat and cape on it.”
“I've been able to sleep with my eyes open ever since I started watching baseball.”
“Somebody once asked me where I come up with my stuff. I replied, "Who knows? Where does yellow snow come from? It's just a gift from God I guess.”
“I think good advice for a father to give to his only son would be, "Don't make the same mistake I made with your mother. Remember to pull out.”
“Communicating, like undressing someone, can effectively be done with your eyes.”
“I like wearing gloves made of cheese (Swiss), and then going around asking elderly men if they want a knuckle sandwich.”
“If you catch me talking in my sleep, your conversation bored me.”
“Women love to talk. I'll bet Van Gogh had a woman. And I'll bet she talked his ear off.”
“There are two typos of people in this world: those who can edit, and those who can't.”
“For men, money, like sex, is something that nearly everybody wants more of, and unless you are famous or influential, you probably have to work hard to get any.”
“For most Americans, money and calories are always on their minds, although they burn too much of one, and not enough of the other.”
“Friends, like fingers, are only good if you can count on them, as well as point them in the right direction.”
“Nearly all of the men I admire are dead, because admiration is fueled by mystery. And what's more mysterious than death? Nothing. Well, besides women, of course.”
“If anger were money, only a fool would greedily save it up. And a wise man would let it slip out of his heart like change slips out of his pants pockets.”
“Any advice I might give a depressed person comes in the form of cyanide, and usually is a bit hard for them to swallow.”
“Politics are like shoes. On one side you have the left, and on the other side you have the right. And every politician is essentially a shoe salesman trying to sell you one shoe, either the left or the right, whichever one he stands for. So I guess the only people who vote with complete confidence on election day are the ones with only one leg, and who's political stance matches their needs exactly. But I must say, a person loses a lot of personal freedom when they only have one leg.”
“I'm the only person I know who has slept through a fire drill. Apparently, I pulled the alarm. Yeah, I sleepwalk. Sometimes I sleep run. I was asleep when I ran the Boston Marathon. I was so tired when I finished that I slept for another sixteen hours.”
“If instead of having ten fingers, I had ten combs for fingers, I'd love to meet Donald Trump, just so I could run my fingers through his hair.”
“I think we should change the amount of time in each day. Sunday thru Friday should be reduced from 24 hours down to ten minutes, and Saturday would become a 167-hour day. That way, when people ask me what I did all week I could truthfully respond, "I slept all week. But I got a hell of a lot done on Saturday.”
“I met a man with no forehead and receding eyebrows. He had ketchup crusted on his eyelids. I can't remember what we talked about, I just remember him smelling like chicken feed.”
“I am possibly the world's greatest magician, because I don't just vanish off stage, I vanish from your memory. I'll bet you're probably thinking, "I don't remember seeing you," or "I've never seen you." And that just goes to show you how good I am.”