Jarod Kintz
This is it, this is my biography. The story of Jarod Kintz begins now.
Let’s knock out the trivial first. I was born in Salt Lake City on March 5th. Now that you know my birthday, please feel free to get me birthday presents. Notice how I used the plural, presents? More than one gift would be greatly appreciated. Appropriate gifts include gold coins, bars of silver, and large tracts of land (preferably beachfront property). Or you could just buy me a drink—soda, natural, because I don’t drink either alcohol or high fructose corn syrup.
Skipping ahead a few years, and a few hundred miles, we come to Denver, Colorado. For a few years I attended Mackintosh Academy. In the second grade, along with English, I studied French, Spanish, and Japanese. Out of all those language classes, I remember one word: Andrea. That was my girlfriend at the time, the one who left me for my best friend. I guess I remember two words, as I remember his name too, but his name is almost sacred, as a name that shall never be uttered.
Right after second grade ended my family moved to Jacksonville, Florida. It was Jacksonville that I would come to know as home, and would attend the rest of my schooling until college.
At this point I was a mediocre student. I believe I had a perfect 2.0 grade point average from third grade until I graduated from high school. My favorite classes were art, P.E., and lunch. Oh, is one of those not a class? No way—I believe art is still considered a class.
When not cracking jokes in class, I would be doing one of three things: drawing, passing notes, or sleeping. In high school I started to not only be mentally absent from class, but physically gone too. I’d skip class like a flat rock skips across a pond.
After high school, it was on to college. In all I have attended six colleges. I bounced around like a dodgeball on a trampoline. If you count the college classes I took starting my junior year of high school, then I got my four-year degree in nine years. And if you’re going to do something, you might as well do it at least twice as well as everybody else—or at least at least twice as long.
I graduated with an English degree from the University of Florida, but I took creative writing classes from both UF and Florida State University. All though college I fancied myself a fancy man, because I was an aspiring writer. Mostly I wrote t-shirt slogans and other pithy things. In the spring of 2005 I did manage to sell a line of t-shirts to Urban Outfitters.
That is my lone success in life. Seriously. Well, so far anyway. But my story is just beginning. I plan on failing my way to success. I have been rejected by literary agents, publishers, MFA programs, all sorts of women. But still I keep writing.
I have written many “books,” and I use the term books loosely. Mostly they are just compilations of my random thoughts and one-liners. But I like writing them, and people seem to like reading them. and that’s what it’s all about, right?
All my books are self-published, either through iUniverse or the wonderful Amazon Kindle program. I encourage everybody to write. Share yourself with the world. If there is one thing I like to impress upon people, it’s that you can do it, even if you can’t. Just keep can’ting until eventually you can. And you can quote me on that.
“Ideas are like legs: what good are they if you can't run with them, or spread them?”
“I did a charity walk the other day. They asked for money, and I walked.”
“If financial genius were legs, my girlfriend would own fourteen pairs of Jimmy Choos, and not have a single foot to put one on.”
“I work hard for my money. It feels very liberating to be broke.”
“If I had four fingers growing out of my forehead, I wouldn't try to play the piano with my nose.”
“Whenever you have a goal, it's a good idea to have both a plan A and a back-up Plan B, unless you are illiterate. But in that case you are probably homeless and have no goals anyway.”
“I met a man from Columbia who had a table for a back. I asked if it was a coffee table. He got offended and thought I was stereotyping him. How was I supposed to know it was a Three-drawer Wuchow Console Table?”
“I had a Chinese girlfriend once who asked me how much she meant to me. I knew very little Chinese, so I responded, "Chicken Lo Mein.”
“The fields of science are full of crop circles that can't yet be explained by scientific means.”
“A lot of people like wife swapping. I've got such a great wife I would only swap with a Mormon. It'd have to be a two-for-one deal.”
“Even though I knew she needed to get something off her chest, I was hoping it wasn’t her big, beautiful breasts.”
“Though I can and sometimes do use chopsticks, I much prefer using my hands to pee.”
“The idea of adultery is like a soccer ball. Yeah, you might kick it around for a while, but if you actually wind up scoring, you get slapped with a huge penalty.”
“If you could buy time, I would sell it. Yesterday would be expensive, and tomorrow would be cheap.”
“If you're looking to take a long, beautiful drive through life, you might not want to take the cynic view.”
“Good friends are like appendages. It's painful to lose one, and crippling to lose two or more.”
“Your fate is like a new jar of peanut butter. It may be sealed, but you can choose whether it is smooth or crunchy.”
“Fear is like a car. Either you control it, or you let it paralyze you.”
“The internet's a great way to meet people. You never really know someone until you see their fake profile.”
“I wish I had a crystal bowl to see into the future with. Every morning I would eat my cereal out of it while I read tomorrow's newspaper.”
“I'm not afraid of death, I'm just not sure there is life after the honeymoon.”
“Courage is a vitamin best swallowed with whiskey.”
“Never chew off the hand you write with, you might survive and have to sign autographs.”
“Fear is healthy. I wish it came in a pill. I'd bottle it up and sell it to little children and the elderly.”
“When sex is Freon any occasion, it usually involves something dripping and toxic. At least that's what my mechanic tells me.”
“I haven't met many lawyers that I didn't like. But then again, I haven't met many lawyers.”
“Alcohol is the motorcycle of beverages. Liver fast, die young.”
“If you have to dig to find yourself, you are probably dead.”
“Half of what I write is garbage, but if I don't write it down it decomposes in my head.”
“Not getting laid can be a crippling experience, but then I don't go looking for sex along the interstate.”
“Marriage is the dearth of sex as we know it.”
“Some people think nature is their God. I'd like to apologize to all those people for pissing on their religion.”
“Some people use laughter as a weapon. It's all very funny until someone loses an eye. But then I guess it just makes the joke even funnier, because you never see it coming.”
“Silence is golden, and gold is up these days, so silence is a solid investment.”
“I'll bring "The Hammer," let's have a Thorsome.”
“Sex, like business, is better with multiple partners.”
“My friend had sex with half of all the women in the city. I think he had sex with the lower half of all the women.”
“In life or death situations, my father has only been there once for me. So I'd like to tell him thanks for not pulling out when I needed him the most: conception.”
“Before I sold used cars, I sold used horses. Mostly to glue factories.”
“I want to write a song about one man's level of commitment called, "I'd walk to the edge of the world, just to dump your body.”
“I want to write a song about retaliation called, "Oh Yeah, and I Faked Every Orgasm...While You Were Out of Town.”
“All men are created Equal. Some just have more Splenda.”
“I want to be the world’s safest fashion designer. And I always wear my seatbelt, especially when I’m in the car.”
“Some people read books on musicians, while I read music books. Not books on music, but literally books full of sheet music. Fascinating reading.”
“After they broke up, Renaldo's ex girlfriend said to never again date an older woman. And he wisely listened to her, because his mother only had his best interest in mind.”
“Renaldo once made a sex tape, and even fully erect, he still had to shoot it four times just to get some "footage.”
“Growing up, Renaldo and his father had a great relationship. At least until his father went and slept with someone else.”
“I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.”
“When the food runs out, the family reunion is over. It’s cool that out of all my relatives, I’m the only cannibal.”
“My two parents represent the single greatest influence on my life. And if my dad had been there for me, it would be the double greatest influence on my life.”